Kuf: The greatest gift you can do regarding kibbud av v’ eim is to let Tatty and Mommy know that you’re doing well and are happy. They work so hard to make this experience possible for you, so if you need to vent, call me. Unlike Ma, I won’t feel a pang of “my baby’s not happy in another country”; I’ll just tell you to go get a Rebar and get over it.

Lamed: Lailah Tov! Sleep will be the most precious commodity of your seminary experience. Bring a sleep mask, earplugs, and chap a snooze whenever you can, except for power naps during power shiurim. You will regret not being present. Sleep on the bus, on the way to the Kosel. Not in class.

Mem: Me and Mommy. As much as I say I’m looking forward to you going to sem to finally have some “Me and Mommy time” know that you will be missed! But I’m so happy you’re able to have, and hopefully enjoy, this unique opportunity.

Nun: Keep a seminary notebook to jot down everything. From your favorite quotes to Shabbos escapades and hashgachah pratis stories, in hindsight you’ll see that everything was orchestrated to perfection.

Samach: The second most elusive commodity of the sem experience is quality solitude. Find your yishuv hadaas happy place, whether it’s the rooftop of the dorm, the Waldorf Hotel lounge or even Katzefet. Find a place that allows you to disconnect and reconnect.

Ayin: Don’t forget to take your Aneini. Israel is one of the only places you can check off saying all the tefillos; it will become your most trusted companion. And when you go to Amuka, see if you can find mine. Yup, I left it there.

Pei: Protektziya (pull), if there is a girl whose father a) owns the seminary, or b) owns a house in Rechavia, be friends with her.

Phei: Friends who chavayah together, stay together. Be open to impromptu friendships and experiences. Those will be the times remembered.

Tzaddik: We learned that when davening at kevarim of tzaddikim, know that you’re davening in their zechus, not to them.

Kuf: When you’re in Katzefet and are about to order the “sem girl” usual, aka a water-based fruit-juice smoothie, have me in mind and get a waffle with all the works too.

Raish: Remember your rock-solid values. People are wary of sem girls who get a good brainwashing. As my sem principal used to say, “Every brain can use a good washing. Just don’t forget to air it out in the rinse cycle!”

Shin: Shabbos plans are part and parcel or the experience; don’t let the anxiety rob you of opportunities. The best of plans are usually made last minute, under pressure.

Sin: Seminary.  Before the three-month mark, you’ll be wondering if you’ll ever like this experience. Don’t blink, sis, it will be over too quickly…

Tuff:  As I was zocheh to hear from Rebbetzin Altusky, when life is tough, and things aren’t going as planned, there’s always Torah, Tefillah, and Tikvah — hope.

The Israelis are definitely onto something when they say, “Yashar, yashar.” Although you’re just beginning your journey, I want to leave you with my seminary takeaway. When you’re unsure which direction you’re supposed to be heading toward, always aim yashar, straight. A pivotal aspect of the seminary experience is your freedom to make decisions.  Listen to that little gut feeling, the voice of reason that steers you toward the direction that is right. Sis, always aim yashar, yashar.

A Letter to My Seminary Self

Dear Leah,

I can’t believe that I’m writing this, a year after seminary. In my head it really was just yesterday that I landed in Ben-Gurion, squinting at the brightest sun I’ve ever seen in my life, rising slowly in the sky. It’s over? Did it really end? I’ll be honest, I never thought it would. I don’t know how I managed through that flight, when there were still four hours left and the homesickness was so overwhelming that I had to clamp my mouth shut so I wouldn’t start bawling in front of the whole plane. I don’t know how I managed the ride from the airport to the dorm, my teeth chattering and my body shaking from pure exhaustion. I don’t know how I managed meeting a hundred new faces all wanting to know my name and where I was from and what school I went to and am I related to so-and-so, when all I wanted was my blanket and my bed so I could call home and go to sleep. But I couldn’t call home because at home it was four in the morning. (What do you mean I can’t talk to my mother whenever I want to?! Wait, this time difference thing is for real?) I don’t know how I managed the jet lag, the new food, the new schedule, the new everything. It felt like time stopped. Permanently. Like that’s it, I’m here forever. The first month crawled by. And I was absolutely, totally, and completely miserable. Ready to turn around and go home, just book me the ticket. I kept wondering why I even came in the first place. Did I even want to come? Or was it just because everyone else was going? I cried lots and lots of tears…

I remember the first day of school, sitting in Rabbi C.’s class. Rabbi C. began by assessing our tired, confused faces, and then gave us our first lesson of the year. He said to us, “Right now, you’re crying because you don’t want to stay. At the end of the year, you will be crying because you don’t want to leave.” I remember thinking, He doesn’t know me. When the last day comes, I am out of here, the first chance I get. Oh, was I so, so, wrong, and he was so, so, right. Boy, did I cry on that last day of sem. The running joke in seminary was that you just cry all year. In the beginning you cry because you want to leave, in the middle you cry because you’re stressed out — tests, Shabbos plans, reports — and at the end you cry because you don’t want to leave. Just you wait, you’ll see. But it took me a long time to get to that point emotionally. That’s why I’m writing to you. Because I know exactly how it feels to land in a place 6,000 miles from home, away from everyone, everything, and everywhere that’s familiar and normal to you. So, I want to remind you of some of the ideas that helped me, because maybe they’ll help others out there too who are just starting out and feeling now the way I felt then.

I was called out of class the first week of school for my first ever mechaneches meeting. My mechaneches looked at me with the kindest eyes ever, heard me out, and nodded with real sympathy when, to my utter mortification, I started to cry in her office. I told her how I couldn’t understand how people love seminary and how I can’t live in Eretz Yisrael ever because it’s too far from my family and I won’t manage. How am I supposed to love Eretz Yisrael, if all I want to do is go home? She smiled and gave me exactly the advice I needed at that moment. First, she told me that it doesn’t say anywhere in the Aseres Hadibros that your roommates need to become your best friends forever and always. Look it up, it’s not there. You need to respect them and learn to live together in the same quarters peacefully and calmly. But you don’t need to become BFFs right now, forever, or ever. It’s not a rule. With that in mind, roommates usually work out pretty well. (Which it did for me, baruch Hashem.)

Then she told me something that I’ll probably never forget. It shaped my whole year and reframed every situation I faced. She told me that I can’t force myself to grow. It doesn’t work. If I pressure myself to take on eight new kabbalahs, love every experience, and aspire to be like every teacher and every gadol right now, it’s going to backfire, and all I’ll feel is resentment. Growth doesn’t happen in a day. What I needed to do was relax and adjust, let myself be, and just enjoy. Because if I would stop pressuring myself, and just look for the endless good of Eretz Yisrael, “U’reay b’tuv Yerushalyim,” then I’ll see it, and the growth will come naturally. That helped me immensely, and I was able to grow for real, once I had that mindset.

That was growth-wise. What about just plain ol’ daily life? For that, the advice of a different teacher gave me the strength to manage, and also to really enjoy. She started off by saying that it’s okay if right then time seemed to be going really, really slowly. That felt so validating. But then she said that soon Succos will come and go, and then there will be a longer stretch. Then it will be Chanukah, and at that point the years over. Ummm, no it’s not, I thought. Then she continued. Well, after Chanukah it’s almost Purim, and Purim means Pesach, and Pesach means the year’s pretty much over. It seems like it’s so far away, but it’ll come, much faster than you think.

So, what to do right now when you’re so homesick? “Speak positive, think positive, feel positive.” Those were her exact words. Because if you say to yourself, out loud, how beautiful Eretz Yisrael is, how lucky you are to be a bus ride away from the Kosel (the Kosel!), how you’re surrounded by Jews, how incredible it is to see people on the bus who don’t know each other help the lady with her stroller, how someone asks you to watch her baby while she pays the bus driver because she totally trusts you because you’re Jewish too, how every single day there’s a gorgeous sunset, how Torahdig the people are and how they’re happy with so little, how incredible it is to be in our land, that you’ve learned about since you were little and that you’re actually in the exact same place as our Avos and Imahos and the Shevatim and malachim and, and, and…. on and on. It doesn’t end. It’s really hard right now, and I know that. But you will see, trust me, that at the end of the year, you may just shed a tear or two (or two million). So now, I wish you hatzlachah on your year ahead. How I wish someone would have told me all these things before I left for seminary! So now that you are more educated, do me a favor and enjoy. Take advantage of every opportunity your seminary offers you, and make the most of your time. Because it’s so worth it. You aren’t there by mistake. You are going to have such a great time. You’re in Eretz Yisrael, Hashem is watching over you. And before you know it, you’ll be me, a year later, writing to your past self. B’hatzlachah rabbah. You can do it!

Love,

Leah, post-sem

Before…

Rikki Kleinberg

Before I came over the seas to sem,

An enticing canvas was painted by them.

Fun, they had told of endless

Prices they told of spend less

Of seat-gripping classes,

Of thrilling time passes.

Of instant best friends you’d get

And a lofty bubble-like mindset

Of a carefree happy existence

Of no external resistance.

They didn’t hint to the sleepless nights

The petty yet exhausting friend-fights

They didn’t discuss the weight you could gain

They made it seem a dreamland the same.

A stronger growing internal voice

Agonizing over your future life’s choice

The deepest abyss of despair you could hit

When your worlds collide, and you no longer fit.

When the truth is so blatantly clear

And Hashem whispers into your ear

When you daven and feel

The sense that this is so, so real

When the Kosel stones caress your cheek

And you’re privileged to hear gedolim speak

When you see people who live life right

Their toil to stay here, with all their might.

The purity shinning from sweet, young faces

They’re satisfied with basic games and races

Excited when there’s a siyum Sefer Torah

They truly live al pi derech hamesorah.

The cats, the smoke, the street messes

The running-late-for-the-bus stresses

These things are a trade-off small

When in return you get it all.

And so, in hindsight now I’d think

Even with the reality, I wouldn’t blink

Because the sheker can’t confuse me

Not when it’s an ideal life that I see.

To the ultimate I’m starkly exposed

A faint wisp of a dream proposed

Feeling pulled, I can’t deny

Here is where I want my life.

What steps can I take to best prepare myself for seminary?

Mrs. Moskowitz: One of the best ways a girl can prepare for her year is to think about what she hopes to gain. It’s always beneficial to embark on a journey with a goal in mind. When I leave on a shopping trip, I generally have a list of what I intend to purchase. If something else catches my eye, I may purchase it as well, but the most efficient and effective excursions always start with a plan. It can be as general as acquiring a basic hahshkafas hachaim, or as specific as tackling middas hakinah. This does not mean that these will be her sole gains, but just that growth is on the agenda from the outset. And one more thing: Though we all have our “types” of people that we gravitate to, be open to meeting new people. Seminary is an opportunity to broaden your definition of your “type” and maintain an openness to people and friendships that may not have been on your radar previously. I’ve seen the most unlikely, but beautiful friendships develop.

Rabbi Katz: Creating goals is an important part of the growth process, but so is self-reflection and introspection, considering who we are and what we want out of life.

Before you dive into the new year headfirst, reflect on your senior year, and analyze how you define your hopes, dreams, and aspirations as you take your first independent steps towards your future. When someone sets out on the journey of life, the focus should be to develop yourself and bringing the innate Divine gifts that are uniquely yours from potential to reality, l’hotzi min hakoach el hapoal. Develop your self-portrait in a way that is you, rather than coloring in the color-by-number picture of someone else’s preconceived portrait of you

Mrs. Tokayer*: Be sure you are going for the right reasons, namely, to grow as a person. It helps to speak to girls who you respect who’ve already been through the seminary experience so you won’t be caught by surprise when you get there, especially regarding the workload, the rules, the schedule and even how to make Shabbos plans! Knowledge is power.

Seminary offers so much, how do I know what to focus on?

Mrs. Moskowitz: “Rachmana leeba ba’ee.” Follow your heart. But not only your heart. Seminary is a golden opportunity to start (or continue, albeit in a different venue) the lifelong process of growing into a greater person. The people, classes, places, and activities that nurture your growth-oriented focus will become self-evident. You will very quickly sense where you daven more intensely, what places trigger more introspection, and which classes and teachers leave you yearning for more. Follow those cues. At the same time, learning how to get the most out of a class that is less inspiring is also instructive. Don’t skip a class, yom iyun, or tiyul that seems potentially boring. Instead, commit to finding the nugget of growth-related influence in it.

Rabbi Katz: The seminary experience should be about more than attending classes, leaving home and making new friends. It should really be about learning, thinking, absorbing, deciding, adapting and developing in areas of life that you never thought about before. The learning experience is not limited to what you learn in class. The seminary atmosphere is one where you will regularly be learning new things about yourself, others, and life in general. Your teachers will challenge you to think, and you will find that in that dialogue, as well as those you have with your friends, will help you discover who you want to be. These interactions will result in learning new things about yourself and about other people, and I assure you it will be an eye-opening experience. Seminary will require you to learn of what goes on beyond your personal sphere and force you to define the real purpose of going 6,000 miles away for the year.

Mrs. Tokayer*: Whatever your seminary is offering at a particular time, focus on that. Don’t say, “This is not for me, I focus on other things.” You never know what you can gain. Seminaries work hard to give their girls lots of diversity: textual and hashkafah classes, tiyulim, shabbatonim with unique themes, and so much in between. So take it all in and enjoy! Don’t get stressed, it will all form a beautiful picture of internal growth.

What if I’m overwhelmed, homesick, or just not happy once I’m there?

Mrs. Moskowitz: I will share with you the best-kept secret known to all sem teachers: The girl who had a meeting with me just before you was also worrying about who she would sit next to on the upcoming tiyul, concerned that she was still feeling homesick a few weeks in, and not adjusting to the water, food, and dorm. Sometimes just knowing that everyone is experiencing the same thing, the reminder that “kol haschalos kashos” helps mitigate the newcomer blues. At the same time, it’s a good idea to speak with a teachers or mentors in your seminary; they are there for you and truly want to help you. However, if the sadness and homesickness is so overwhelming that it interferes with normal functioning, you must speak with someone, whether it be an eim bayis, madrichah, or teacher and be completely honest about how you are feeling.

Rabbi Katz: Most girls go through an adjustment period, despite the brave front that some present. It is a normal part of growing and maturing. If you need time to adjust, don’t wallow in self-pity. Growth takes courage and resilience. If something isn’t working out, readjust and face the challenges head on. Don’t relinquish responsibility for yourself, allowing others to make vital choices and decisions for you. You don’t want someone living your life for you. And another thing: For some of you this will be your first foray into true independence, which is much more profound than just being away from home. It’s time to make your own decisions! When to go to bed, what to do with your free time, deciding where to go for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and what you should do alone or with friends. Even something as small as going to the makolet alone will make you feel more independent. You will find bits and pieces of independence in almost anything you do.

Mrs. Tokayer*: Speak to a staff member who you feel will be understanding. You’d be surprised how much they can help you get through the rough spots. By the way, skip the what-if’s. It’s normal to have a hard time in the beginning! For many girls, Chanukah time is when they start to feel at home and like they are really gaining from the year (and I don’t mean weight!).

How can I get the most out of my experience?

Mrs. Moskowitz: Go to class! And stay awake for the whole thing! That usually entails going to sleep at a normal hour, something that takes true gevurah, especially initially when everyone else is pulling fun-filled all-nighters. But too many girls have lost out on the precious first few weeks of classes from the self-sabotage of sleepless nights. Also, exhaustion is a surefire way to make adjusting harder, as everything seems worse when we are overtired and kvetchy.

Also, resist the temptation to go to your sister’s best friend’s cousin in Ramat Eshkol every week for Shabbos. Be open to going places that are somewhat off the beaten track (but approved and safe) and maintain an ayin tovah, always looking for the beauty and cues toward growth that are hidden beneath the ubiquitous eggplant salad and petel drink.

Rabbi Katz: Ideally, as a girl proceeds through her senior year, she learns how to make age-appropriate decisions, take responsibility for these decisions, and learn to accept the consequences. Therefore, you have to know yourself well enough to know what you want, what you can realistically do, and how to go about reaching those goals. Most importantly, identify what you want as opposed to what others want for you, be it parents, teachers, friends or older siblings. But don’t hesitate to talk about what’s on your mind with those that you trust, people that will really listen to you, offer appropriate advice, and who will respect you and your decisions. Remember that change is essential for living a productive life rather than just existing. Change creates possibility; don’t assume that what seems comfortable and familiar is always best for you. Reflect and take inventory of your change as appropriate along the way, and ask yourself if your expectations about life and about yourself are realistic, reasonable, and practical. Becoming personally accountable for yourself and your actions frees you from outside influences, boosts your confidence in your ability to make healthy choices and decisions, and ultimately fosters trust in yourself.

Mrs. Tokayer*: First of all, daven to make the most of your experience, and that it should be the one you’ve been dreaming of. If you’re the type who likes to write, keep a daily journal of meaningful lessons, classes, and encounters. If that’s too difficult, at least jot down Hashgachah pratis stories. You’ll be glad you did! Many girls I’ve taught write down things they saw or heard in other homes over Shabbos that they would love to incorporate into their own homes one day. Don’t be shy to create relationships with teachers — it’s a treasure for life!

Our Panelists:

Mrs. Elana Moskowitz lives in Yerushalayim and has been teaching and mentoring in seminaries for the past 19 years.

Rabbi Zev Katz is an experienced menahel and high school teacher and has been involved in chinuch habanos for almost 40 years.

Mrs. Tokayer* lives in Eretz Yisrael and has been a mechaneches and seminary counselor for over 10 years.

* Name has been changed.

(Originally featured in Teen, Issue 53)