Everyone has relationship problems at some point. The most common relationship difficulties occur within the nuclear family: between spouses siblings parents and children. Most people have the same idea as to how these relationship problems should be solved — the “difficult” person should improve. The unhappy wife wants her husband to change. The disgruntled child wants his parent to be different. The irritated sister knows just what her brother needs to do.

Why Problems Occur

Many people think that relationship difficulties occur because the people they are dealing with have various faults. In fact the human imperfections of our loved ones have nothing to do with why relationship problems occur. They happen for the same reason that poverty illness unemployment natural disasters and war happen: Hashem wants to send us challenges. All of the difficulties we encounter in life are for our own benefit.

Suppose the car in front of us suddenly slowed down forcing us to come to a sudden jolting stop. No one would get mad at the car. Cars have no free will. Obviously the driver is at fault rather than the car itself. And those in the know wouldn’t bother getting mad at the driver either. The driver is only an instrument in Hashem’s Hand. Hashem made the car slow down in front of us — “zol zein a kapporah” (the aggravation should atone for our sins).

And so it is in family life. Our spouse mother father sister brother child in-laws and the remaining cast of characters who fill our lives are there to prod and provoke us into growth.

Seize the Opportunity

When we put all our effort into trying to change other people we are actually giving away the opportunity of a lifetime. Hashem sends us interpersonal aggravation in order to change ourselves. By focusing on someone else we miss the opportunity to change ourselves. Since the entire purpose of our life is to grow and elevate ourselves missing this opportunity is no small thing.

Of course it seems to us that the “problem person” in our relationship difficulty is the one who needs to change. While this may be true that person will have to realize that him or herself and get to work. Meanwhile Hashem let the aggravation fall into our laps as an opportunity for us to change. If the relationship difficulty isn’t your fault (in your humble opinion) what sort of changes should you be contemplating? Here are some suggestions:

Become more accepting of other people’s flaws.

• Become more patient tolerant and nonjudgmental.
• Become less critical.
• Develop the skill of bringing out the best in others.
• Learn how to make peace even in difficult situations.
• Learn how to motivate and inspire others in positive ways.
• Learn how to ask for and get what you need in healthy relationship-building ways.
• Learn how to access outside help.
• Learn how to pour out your heart to Hashem.
• Learn where and how to acquire more effective relationship solutions.
• Learn how to think more positively.
• Learn how to set healthy boundaries in healthy ways.
• And this is only the beginning of the possibilities for growth through painful relationship issues.

Asking for Change

As you can see from the list above one of the areas of personal growth that may be relevant for certain people is learning how to bring out the best in others (particularly family members). Before you get all excited about this being your chance to work on changing someone else make sure that this is a problem that you have. You may have this problem if you are negative critical passive passive-aggressive angry abusive poor at communication codependent controlling or unable to express yourself appropriately. If you do have one of these problems then you need to learn how to help others change their behavior using healthy constructive appropriate communication skills. And that will require a lot of change on your part.

You shouldn’t be handing someone a page in a book or article to read about a flaw that you think they have. You shouldn’t be offering negative feedback or criticism that exceeds the minute allotment for not-so-good-feeling communications in the parent-child relationship (20 percent of all communication) and marriage relationship (5 percent of all communication). You shouldn’t be asking for apologies or engaging in lengthy discussions about what is wrong with the person or the relationship. If you need to learn how to help others change start with the Torah precepts that require sensitivity and kindness above all else.

And when you’ve mastered these traits you’ll notice that Hashem is sending you far fewer relationship difficulties to help you grow.