“When the children were young we always had a full table on Shabbos. We both enjoyed hosting and having an open home is a big part of our bond to this day.”

—Shoshanah Zucker married almost 67 years

“After the kids were in bed we’d sit at the kitchen table and talk. We couldn’t afford babysitters very often and life was busy so we really had to work around the situation. Sometimes we’d put the kids in the car and go for a drive. They’d sleep in the back and we’d talk and laugh. I feel there’s a lot more expected of young mothers today than there was back then.”

—Bracha S. married 54 years

Agreeing to Disagree

“I find that we have fewer disagreements as we age. Neither of us feels a need to prove that our individual point of view is correct. Most of the time we find some middle ground and we’re more accepting of each other’s flaws and shortcomings. “There are a few things I’d like to do over but I can’t. For example I wish I had been less critical and more patient with my husband and the children when I was younger. But you can’t go back you can only go forward.”

—Chaya T. married 54 years

“A turning point for me, quite a number of years ago, was when I realized that my husband was not my adversary, but a human being who experiences hurt and disappointment just as I do. Furthermore, he wanted to feel loved and valued just as I did. After that lightbulb moment, I tried hard to find reasons to compliment, and to do so regularly. I also tried to be aware of when my tone of voice clearly indicated frustration or anger or resentment, and I tried not to say anything until my negative emotions had a chance to dissipate. At times I was successful, at other times I wasn’t. But I continued trying.
“I recently came across Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and I wish I had known about it years ago. There are insights in that small book that would have been useful to me and would be useful to any couple, or member of a couple, who is open to and wants to understand how to improve their relationship.
“Today, we look around us and see our friends and neighbors getting old, ill, and dying. That’s very sobering, and makes us grateful for what we have and where we are in life.”

—Annie F.,  married 58 years

“We were brought up in the old school; we were taught that you can’t say ’I want, I want, I want’ and not give. Of course, we have differences of opinion. It’s human nature. We don’t always agree, but we get over the difficulties. If you respect one another, you do.”

—L.C.,  married 55 years

“We don’t think exactly alike, and I think it’s healthier that way. We’ve had such humdingers of fights, yet they weren’t disruptive. We would fight about lots of things, but we made up afterwards and it was fine.”

 —Eva H., married 64 years

Retirement and Empty Nesting

“Once we retired, we moved to Israel, where most of our children lived. We did volunteer work together for a while. I got very active in AMIT, and my husband supported me in that. There are also things we do separately. I like volunteering in the library, and he doesn’t have the patience for it. But it’s not necessary to be together night and day. I respect his friends and his activities, and he respects mine.”
—Faygie L., married 51 years

“I continued working for a few years after my husband retired, so he started helping more in the house, doing the laundry, things like that. I really appreciated that. I was a nurse and I worked the 3-to-11 shift the last couple of years before I retired. My husband used to drive me to work and pick me up. That was really nice; it was a short drive, but we could talk on the way, and I didn’t have to worry about parking and walking at night.”
—Bracha S., married 54 years

“Neither of us really retired when the children left home. We both still work, but shorter hours, and we’ve discussed how continuing to be involved in aspects of our work keeps us alert, interested in life and in each other, and relevant. We’ve made it a practice to select a Jewish text that we both find interesting and read a portion of it to each other Friday evening at the seudah. Shabbos day, we tend to discuss aspects of the parshah or other topics that have come up that are of interest to us.”
—Annie F.,  married 58 years

Aging Together

“I’m a bit of a caregiver now, but if you do it sensibly and don’t complain, you can grow into the situation together. We can’t do a lot of the things we might have been doing before. But if you appreciate each other and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses, you can make things work.”
—Raizel F., married 53 years

“Things change over time. Now we both need walkers and we practically need a traffic cop in the hall because the walkers can’t pass at the same time! My husband talks to me about his learning, I keep him abreast of what’s going on in the world. I don’t have a yetzer hara for hot-fudge sundaes anymore, but we always have something to talk about. That’s very important.”
—Eva H., married 64 years

“A year ago my husband had open-heart surgery, and I was doing pretty well. I stayed with him in the hospital. I walked much faster than he did, so I had to slow my pace while he was recovering. Now I’m sick, and he’s had to slow his pace for me. I’m grateful to Hashem that when one of us is down, the other is up.
“Recently we decided to move into an assisted-living facility. We want to do it while we both still can. Being old is a challenge, but right now we’re at a place of acceptance.”
—Bracha S., married 54 years

Coming Apart, Growing Together

“We grew religiously, both of us, over the years. The children change you a little bit. You grow with them, if you want to. But we talk things through, work them out. It’s very important to be able to talk and not harbor resentment about things.”
—Raizel F., married 53 years

“When we were engaged, I told my husband I wanted to keep kosher, which led to us gradually becoming religious over the next few years. Our parents were very hostile in the beginning. It caused some friction between us, as we had to work things out without really knowing where we were going. But we got through it.
“Over the years there have been other challenges, but we try to give each other chizuk, look at all the positive, and keep going together.”
—Chaya T., married 54 years

“We had a few crises when my husband had to change jobs and we had to move, but I always stood behind him. I never criticized him, I always took his part. Even if you think your mate may have made the wrong decision, don’t take the other side; it’s dangerous to the relationship. Stick to your mate.”
—Esther H., married 65 years

“We lost a son. I understand that a lot of couples come apart when that happens, but baruch Hashem that didn’t happen to us. We reacted very differently. I had to go see a psychologist for a year. My husband thought I was crazy, but he knew that was what I needed.”
—Eva H., married 64 years

“Have there been crises? Sure. And deaths and losses and emotional pain. But also lots of good things and a deeper understanding of life and what’s possible and what isn’t, what’s necessary and what isn’t. Looking back, I feel so much gratitude to Hashem for the journey, and I pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to deal with the future.”
—Annie F., married 58 years

Keys to a happy Marriage

“You can’t afford to be selfish in a relationship. You’ve got to have a give-and-take. If you see your spouse isn’t feeling well, or isn’t happy with you, you have to ask questions. It’s important to talk, you can’t just assume things.”
—L.C., married 55 years

“Any person who’s not willing to be mevater can’t get married. If you can’t be mevater, you can’t live with another person. There will always be hard times, but in normal times, don’t look for trouble. Be grateful to Hashem that everything is normal and well.”
—Esther H., married 65 years

“One of the things I learned from my teachers in elementary school in Bais Yaakov was that in the summer camp of the first Bais Yaakov in Cracow, people were always looking out for each other. That made such an impression on me that I kept it in mind all the time. It works very well in a marriage.”
—Eva H., married 64 years

“Barring intractable and destructive personality disorders, a major factor in making a marriage and relationship work is wanting to make it work. But it’s not always possible to make that happen, despite the best intentions and lots of effort and two good people trying to turn things around. Sometimes the differences and distances and life events are too much to overcome.
“Another important component of the relationship is respect for one another. My husband is very intelligent and learned. He thinks things through and looks at issues from many angles, and I respect him for that. I enjoy asking him questions and having discussions with him, and he enjoys sharing information and ideas. He respects my professional competence and shores up my confidence in my abilities when I doubt myself.
“A corollary of this is for each partner to find fulfillment in their individual roles and life goals. While some women find fulfillment in devoting their lives to their husbands, this would not have worked for me. It’s important to consider seriously the question: When I am older and look back, will I feel that I lived the bulk of my years wisely and to the best of my abilities, or will I feel too much regret?”
—Annie F., married 58 years

“It’s a matter of respect and teamwork. You’ll hit life challenges, and if you don’t have respect for your partner, the marriage can fall apart. A marriage is a contract. Someone has to give in sometimes, or else you’re always at odds and disagreeing with each other. And of course, it’s a mazal and brachah to have a healthy spouse and children.”
—Faygie L., married 51 years

“An important key to success is appreciating what you have and respecting one another. We’re getting older now, but we’re so grateful for the children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren (67 great-grandchildren, bli ayin hara!). They fill our lives with joy and take care of us now as we used to take care of them. Who could have ever imagined that we’d get to this point?”
—Shoshanah Zucker, married almost 67 years

(Originally featured in Family First Issue 558)