Knowing we’re not alone imbues strength and reduces pain

Life is full of challenges. We know this; we live it. But on some level, we’re in denial.

“My friends all have great marriages. I don’t know how I got stuck with the situation I’m in. I don’t know anyone else whose husband is so difficult and unreasonable.”

When we’re hurting, we often feel alone and isolated. We think everyone else is doing fine and that it’s just our family who’s in crisis, or just me dealing with this issue. But the truth is that every person is struggling in his or her own way — not always constantly, but consistently, on and off throughout life. The majority of these struggles are invisible; they’re secret miseries known only to the sufferer or to a miniscule set of insiders.

This is unfortunate because if we only knew what good company we’re in, a fair chunk of our pain would be alleviated. After all, misery loves company — in a good way. Knowing that others have gone through and are going through what we’re going through gives us strength and reduces the isolating sense of stigma.

Unfortunately, most people plaster a smile on their faces and never reveal the human condition beneath it. While presenting a put-together public image does make sense, it creates a myth: Other people lead happy, uncomplicated lives.

It’s important to remind ourselves that the truth is quite different. Most other people are coping with numerous burdens that keep them awake at night and drive them to search desperately for emotional pain relief.

Varieties of Human Suffering

Yes, millions of people lie awake in their beds every night. They can’t fall asleep — or, more common — they can’t stay asleep. They experience the agony of wakefulness and exhaustion totally alone; even the other members of their household know nothing of their torture as they sleep peacefully through it. These insomniacs, and their comrades whose nights are regularly marred by nightmares, get up every morning and carry on with their lives. You don’t recognize them when they’re standing right in front of you.

Then there are the ruminators. They’re a mixed crowd of people in pain. Some are hounded by a relentless inner critic who finds fault with their every move and assures them that others think poorly of them. They are never good enough, never pass the test. These people smile at you when you pass by. You have no idea of the battle they’re fighting and losing on a constant basis.

Other ruminators are obsessed with the dangers that might affect them or their loved ones. Some are burdened with fears of disease, others with fears of social failure, still others with fears of having harmed someone. Some may secretly engage in rituals as they desperately try to “undo” awful thoughts. Others simply argue with themselves inside their heads, where you can never see or hear the panic, stress, and struggle.

Some people aren’t so much fearful as they are negative. They’re sad or mad or both. They fall into a deep pit when there are disappointments and problems in their lives. An older unmarried single robs them of the ability to feel joy, as do other issues: illness in the family, financial pressures, challenges with children, marital problems, or any of the myriad things that go wrong in people’s lives. Each one weighs so heavily upon these souls that it’s very hard for them to hide their distress. Yet they, too, cover up as best they can and carry on.

Others are robbed of joy by suffering through situations you know nothing about. You’re unaware of the physical abuse your neighbor suffers on a regular basis, the crippling marital loneliness that another experiences, the financial dilemmas that threaten body and mind of the father who carpools your kids, the addiction and mental health problems in homes close to yours, the emptiness that your empty-nest friend fears will overwhelm her. All you know about are your own personal struggles.

As you deal with them, have compassion on yourself and all humanity — because whether you’re aware of it or not, all human beings are right there with you. Behind every superficial smile is an authentic person who must confront the hard side of life. We’re all in this together.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 628)