Carpool kinks are starting to be ironed out for next year. What to do?

Last week:

I want to message Tzipora back that yes, next year, let’s split the carpool differently, but something stops me.

Miri is just a girl. A girl with a terrible attitude, yes. But just a girl. Can we do this to her? Can we do this to her mother?

But the thought of driving her for another two years adds a weariness to my shoulders that I really don’t need.

I decide to give myself a few days to think about it, but I know I’m running out of time: Carpool kinks are starting to be ironed out for next year, and if I don’t make a decision, Tzipora might just form something without me.

What to do?

She’s Just a Kid

No matter how obnoxious, Miri is just a kid. Basya and Tzipora are adults. If her mother is a nice person who keeps up her end of the carpooling duties, then it’s not fair to kick her out just because her child is obnoxious. If you were driving a carpool of two-year-olds and one of them kvetched for the whole 20 minutes, would you kick them out? (Assuming they weren’t making the other kids cry?) An adult should be able to tolerate 20 minutes of unpleasant behavior once or twice a week.

If you want, you could have a talk with her mother and maybe she could get her daughter to behave more appropriately. Or you could announce a 20 minute machsom l’fi for the duration of the ride. (Seriously! As a zechus for ______ [fill in the blank], only positive speech for the next 20 minutes!)

Malky

Need to Communicate

I think you need to communicate before you drop Miri. Let Miri know that her behavior is off-putting and give her the chance to change. Not to do that would be to act like a teen herself — avoiding having a difficult conversation. You would be depriving Miri of a valuable chinuch moment: coming face-to-face with how her mindset can negatively affect others.

It seems like Miri is really struggling with her sister dating and with school in general. Shira and Yocheved don’t like her, which might indicate a social isolation born of Miri’s negativity and constant complaining. Miri needs help, and by telling Mrs. Sternberg about the carpool situation, Basya is alerting her that Miri needs her mother’s attention. Mrs. Sternberg will be embarrassed, but she will undoubtedly speak to Miri and that will change Miri’s behavior during carpool. This will achieve Basya’s goal. This could also be the wake-up call Miri’s mother needs. Alternatively, Basya could reach out to the school’s mechaneches and share the situation with her to hear if there is any information that would shed light on Miri’s behavior during carpool.

Rivka Abramov

Is It Worth It?

I really feel for you. I, too, am sensitive to bad attitudes and wish I could live a life free of irritating personalities. Unfortunately, I think the only way to achieve that would be to move to a mountaintop (that would really solve all carpool issues, too). Since Miri lives on your block, I don’t see any way to reorganize the carpool without feelings being hurt. Is sparing yourself 20 minutes of aggravation a week worth possibly jeopardizing a good relationship with a neighbor? I don’t think so. It sounds like you’re more bothered by this girl than your daughter is, and at the end of the day, like you said, she’s just a girl, and you’re a grown-up. Hopefully Miri will mature, and if not, you can always use this as an opportunity to thank Hashem for your daughter’s pleasant personality. Good luck!

Chana R., Baltimore

Change Your Day

Basya, I get it, you sound overworked with no head space to deal with “extras.” But I’m really not understanding what Miri has done that’s so terrible! True, she is somewhat moody and lacks social etiquette, and is definitely seeking attention. You mention her untucked shirt, her hair streaming loose. Why does that matter to you? It just shows she’s a little more “flying” in a few different ways. It doesn’t make her bad. It really doesn’t sound out of control enough to exclude her from the carpool. What lesson would you be teaching your own daughter? When a problem arises, we just run? Is it worth it to hurt your friend? Of course, if things escalate, then it’s time to have a talk with Devora. If she wants to be part of the carpool she would have to talk to Miri about her attitude. If she’s a genuinely good, caring mother she would want you to tell her. For now, you can say hi when Miri and others enter your car, put on music, and ask Hashem for a pleasant ride. I am sure He will help!  Try for one second to put yourself in Devora’s shoes... you have your answer to your dilemma.

You are no doubt extra harried and probably less patient on Wednesdays, as it is your only day to catch up on life. Perhaps there is some arrangement you can come up with to do this carpool on a different day. It sounds like it would be a game changer.

Faige, NJ

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 943)