Your marital happiness depends on… you

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ate your current level of personal happiness between 1 and 10 where 10 is a state of high energy personal well-being and pleasure in living. The number you arrive at is a result of both internal and external factors: You have an inborn “set level” of contentment but this number rises and falls in response to events in your life biorhythms physical factors and your personal skill in mood management.

Now rate your level of marital happiness between 1 and 10 where 10 is a state of high satisfaction partnership closeness and trust. Whatever number you come up with on this measure reflects the combination of your own level of personal happiness as just described and the behavior of your spouse.

Unfortunately the behavior of your spouse is not totally within your control. Consequently a poorly behaved partner or one who has mental health concerns personal stress management deficits or other problems will lower your rating for marital happiness. It’s far easier to be happily married to a person who is happy and functioning well.

The Unhappy Spouse

Your spouse’s personal happiness score also affects your own personal happiness score. For example you may be a naturally happy person with daily average scores of 7 or so. However living with your angry negativistic partner lowers your mood to a degree. When you’re away from home you might still experience your usual level of contentment but at home you may slip down to a 6 or even less. Years of living with an unhappy spouse may eventually bring your own personal happiness level down to a 6½.

Your spouse’s happiness score also affects your marital happiness score as explained above. If your spouse isn’t happy your marriage is not as happy as it might otherwise be. Your spouse may be unhappy for any number of reasons including his or her own happiness set point; his or her ability to manage stress; outside factors such as work health issues parenting issues money issues and you.

Interestingly despite the plethora of factors involved in maintaining a happy mood many people blame their low level of happiness completely on their spouse.

It’s Your Fault

Although the behavior of one’s spouse can certainly cause aggravation disappointment hurt and other negative feelings it’s clear that happiness scores are determined by an interaction of many factors. When one’s life feels bad it’s not only because of one’s spouse. Even when one’s marriage feels bad it’s not only because of one’s spouse! Yet there are some people who refuse to seek help for their own mood or the state of the marriage claiming “It’s your fault. You need to improve. You go for therapy.”

When there is an identifiable problem this tendency to blame is even more likely: “You’re the addict — you need help.” “You’re the one with the temper — go get it fixed!” While individual therapy is often an important part of marital healing it’s not the only part. Full healing occurs when both partners work on their personal and marital happiness.

When a Spouse Won’t Go to Therapy

What is one to do then when one’s spouse refuses to work collaboratively on marital healing? One still works on one’s own personal happiness. One can even work on one’s marital happiness improving those behaviors and attitudes that are “pro-marriage.” Going to a marital counselor on one’s own can help too provided that the counselor understands and agrees that the goal is to preserve and enhance the marriage. It’s likely however that the marriage will be far less happy than it would be if both spouses worked together.

Clearly when one partner won’t join in a therapeutic process the marriage suffers. In some cases only divorce alleviates the suffering. In most cases however the marriage simply limps along as the couple tries to maintain the structure of a family for themselves and their children.

Resentment helplessness rage and despair may fill one whose partner refuses to go to therapy. Yet none of us can control anyone else even for their own benefit. This pain and disappointment like all others in life is orchestrated by Hashem. It can therefore be alleviated by Hashem as well. Everything — even a stubborn spouse — can change.

Whether or not one’s spouse does what needs to be done working on oneself accepting what is and praying for positive change will increase both personal and marital well-being.