I do not care that she is tall.

I cannot, will not make a call.

I would not date her here or there.

I would not date her anywhere.

We’ve heard things about Abraham.

Really, no dice, Shadchan Pam.

That stuff you heard is narishkeit.

The girl’s fantastic — sweet and bright.

I’m sure she is. That’s very nice.

But I said no. I said it twice.

I would not date her here or there.

I would not date her anywhere.

Her brother’s yeshivah and mine are fakert.

It’s poshut pshat it’s not bashert.

Would you? Could you? Let that go?

You wouldn’t marry him, you know.

I would not, could not, let that go.

You might like her. You will see!

Just give it a shot! Who knows what will be?

No, no, no. I do not see.

Please let this go. Please let me be.

She’s bright and sweet. I know. You said.

And you have ninety girls to wed.

And thirteen boys. I bet that’s hard.

But please don’t play the crisis card.

I feel terrible as it is.

You’re the pushiest shadchan in the biz.

Is it because her father learns?

Is it because her brother earns?

It’s not because her father learns!

It’s not because her brother earns!

But they all wear the short-brim hat.

I can’t be seen with guys like that.

I will not date this girl, okay?

That’s all there really is to say.

I will not date her here or there.

I will not date her anywhere.

This stuff’s important, Shadchan Pam!

Borsalino’s who I am.

Ribbono shel Olam! You’re kidding, right?

I’ll tell you what. How’s six tonight?

I can’t get out of seder tonight.

Well, how about tomorrow then?

Not tomorrow, not next week.

I’m missing seder as we speak.

Her father learns I forget where.

Her brother works. No, I don’t care.

I might like her. You mentioned that.

But her brothers all wear that funny hat.

I will not date her here or there.

I will not date her anywhere!

You will not date Rus Abraham?

I will not date her, Shadchan Pam.

You know her zeide has a shul?

Uh, okay. I guess that’s cool.

I’m telling you, this girl’s a jewel.

Hooray for her that she’s a jewel.

Hooray for Zeide Ploini’s shul.

I heard her mother was a Frim.

Frims for us are not mat’im.

I also heard they stack their plates.

My mother thinks it tempts the fates.

And the youngest brother lost a tooth

And never found it — that’s the truth.

No achrayus, none at all.

Besides, I sort of care she’s tall.

Also, my neighbor (twice removed)

Told me that she disapproved.

And finally, those hats! Oy vey.

Maybe that’s all I should say.

You do not like her. So you say.

Try it. One date! And you may.

Try it and you may, I say.

Shadchan Pam, if you let me be,

I will date her. Watch and see.

Hey! I like Rus Abraham!

I do! I like her, Shadchan Pam!

She’s just the type for me, Shmo Katz.

(And she hates her brothers’ hats!)

Can we come by to say hello?

I’m proposing in a week, you know.

We have shadchanus to discuss

In thanks for what you’ve done for us.

In two months’ time we will be wed.

(Please don’t tell her the stuff I said.)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 833)