My next-door neighbor’s son is in shidduchim. He must be quite a catch because I’ve been inundated with phone calls about the family. At times it’s a repulsive experience. People seem to think that looking into someone as a potential marriage partner gives them carte blanche to ask anything at all.

Let’s face it neighbors see a lot. So I do know the answers to many of the invasive and at times downright inappropriate questions people ask. But does that mean I’m meant to share them? Why do they need to know how much the mother spends on her jewelry what nusach the great-uncle on the father’s side davens and which of the siblings went to OT and for how long? Am I allowed to tell them “None of your business ” or is my job to just answer whatever ridiculous questions they throw my way? 

Minding My Own Business

Dear Minding

Before I answer your question I feel compelled to note that I’ve often been impressed by the questions people did and didn’t ask when I myself fielded shidduch questions. The nature of a column such as this is to highlight the negative because that’s where the questions lie but it’s important to remember that for the most part we’re doing this with class grace and endless bitachon. When pettiness rears its ugly head therefore it is jarring and begs a response.

The irony of these distasteful questions is that as they reflect so poorly on those asking them we’re often left wondering if we should immediately call the friends or family being investigated and tell them to run the other way. We need to understand the motivation behind some of these intrusive questions so we can be dan l’kaf zechus and answer objectively without disdain and without unwittingly causing harm to the people we’re representing.

The first and simplest answer to your question is that many of these questions are halachic and need a psak which clearly I cannot provide. Going a level beneath that we can try to understand the question behind the question so we can give useful information.

Let’s remember that marrying off a child is probably the biggest responsibility any parent faces — and consequently the most terrifying. People will often respond to this awesome task which is so clearly out of their control by trying to control as much as possible. They think albeit unconsciously that the more information they have and the more restrictions they impose the better they can manipulate the process and ultimately the better they can protect their child. This is tricky because they are required to exert significant hishtadlus and to not be negligent regarding their child’s future. But as any honest parent will tell you there’s only so much you can do/find out/protect. At some point you must let go and let G-d.

So being kind we can remind ourselves that parents are only trying to be good parents. But at times it’s clear that other factors are at play. Ego kavod social status manipulation and warped values sometimes make an appearance as well. If you yourself are healthy you’ll immediately recognize those and they’ll feel significantly different from the concerned albeit intrusive questions.

Remember first of all that values and priorities do not run evenly across the board. What may be appalling to you may be reasonable to someone else including your neighbor in inquiry. If this is who he is being redt to maybe they share values that you don’t. Your inclination to tell them to mind their own business could end up hurting your neighbor as the caller will perceive you being defensive and immediately begin to conjure up all kinds of scenarios. Chances are you probably don’t really know how much the mother spends on her jewelry and it’s okay to claim ignorance on certain questions.

Another critical point is that you don’t know why some things are important to the questioner. Perhaps they had a sibling with developmental delays who underwent endless OT and this caused huge hardship to the family. None of us can judge what’s important to another person as none of us have walked through that person’s life.

Remember that at the end of the day we’re not playing a game here. This is a crucial point because when we’re in the middle it sometimes feels like we’re entwined in one huge game of human Jenga. Balance the stick this way add a little more that way whoa! Be careful you don’t put one too many… because Heaven forbid you don’t want to be the one to shter the shidduch. But we have to remember the ultimate goal — to bring together two people who belong together.

We need to ask sh’eilos about what information should be shared respond accordingly and keep ourselves out of the equation.

May we all be zocheh to be shlichim only for good!

All the best

Sara 

Sara Eisemann LMSW ACSW is a licensed social worker and a columnist for inshidduchim.com. She also lectures on topics related to relationships personal development and growth. She welcomes questions comments feedback and interaction at inshidduchim@mishpacha.com.