Routines and rituals can help a family run like a well-oiled machine. They can also help each individual within the family to function at his or her best. In fact a lack of appropriate routines and rituals can wreak havoc on both family life and individual functioning.

I can’t get my four-year-old to school on time — we’re always around 15 minutes late. But that’s because he gets up too late and I don’t have enough time to get him dressed fed and ready to go. I know he gets up late because he goes to bed too late but he goes to bed late because we don’t finish eating supper till around 8 p.m. and then I like to clean up the kitchen a bit before starting baths and bedtime stories. He still wants a bedtime snack after that so it’s usually around 9:00 before he gets into pajamas and 9:30 before he gets into bed. The problem is that I can’t serve supper earlier because he has daily speech therapy lessons at 6:30 and we don’t get home till 7:30.

Although there are some routines in this vignette (speech therapy lessons supper times story times and so on) they all occur at the wrong times. The average four-year-old needs to be in bed long before 9:30 p.m. if he is to get up early enough in the morning to be ready for school on time. This little fellow is going to be rushed through his morning routine and probably arrive at school harried hungry and tired. He won’t be at his best. If the teacher calls to complain of behavioral problems well we won’t be surprised.

Chaotic Households

Of course it’s not the child’s fault that he is late; his schedule is determined by his parents. The parents for their part are trying their best to squeeze everything into one too-short day. By allowing their child to walk into class late each day however they are accidentally giving the child a specific sort of education. For instance since all the other children have arrived before him the late youngster learns that he is somehow “special ” exempt from the rules that govern the behavior of others. He also learns that he is somehow deficient unable to arrive on time for some reason whereas everyone seems to be able to accomplish this task. Ironically his lateness teaches him to rush flooding his little brain with stress chemistry. Finally his lateness fails to teach him how to organize his time.

When people have time-management difficulties life becomes a little harder. Arriving late handing in assignments late failing to complete or accomplish important tasks — these aren’t fun experiences. Rushing stressing always trying to catch up — there’s got to be an easier way to live! Adults who haven’t mastered the art of time management may pass the deficiency on to their youngsters saddling them with the same lifelong challenges.

Departures arrivals and deadlines are only a small sampling of family life and personal functioning that are affected by time-management styles. In fact all household routines are linked to the ability to organize time: when do dishes get washed clothes get cleaned and put away rooms get tidied linens get changed papers get organized meal preparations take place and meals get served? When is bath time bedtime and homework time? When all of these things occur at regular appropriate and predictable times the rhythm of the household has a stabilizing effect on all of its members. But when these things occur less predictably a feeling of destabilizing chaos often occurs. While some flexibility is both tolerable and necessary complete lack of order is nothing but stressful.

Establishing Routines

Some people are naturally organized. Others are more “free spirited” — responding to the demands and moods of the moment. However even members of this latter group may realize that children (and adults too!) benefit a great deal from a small amount of order. Fortunately changing just one thing can sometimes allow everything else to fall into place creating instant order out of chaos.

For example in our story above changing speech therapy lessons from 6:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. may allow dinner to be completed by 6:30 and bedtime to be achieved by 7:30 or 8:00. This will allow Junior to get up early enough to have a relaxing morning and arrive at school on time. While things aren’t always that simple one principle holds true: start with a small change. When the change is firmly established make another small change. There’s no need to change your personality — just make a small change in your schedule. Most of us no matter what our time-management style can benefit from taking this small-step approach to a calmer more efficient life.