That night, Shifra called, frantic. Rina was freaking out, crying that she couldn’t go through with it

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

When I was newly married, I lived in Eretz Yisrael and taught in several seminaries. I was young and energetic, and I really tried to connect with “my girls.” Huvie was one example — she’d had a negative high school experience and didn’t see the beauty of Yiddishkeit (to put it mildly). To make things worse, her only sister had just gotten married and didn’t have much time to listen to her anymore.

I spoke to her for hours, answering her questions while she figured herself out. I coached her through relationship issues and tried to support her fragile self-esteem.

In my role as a shadchan, I still encounter “Huvies” — boys or girls who need that extra coaching and guidance to navigate shidduchim. I try to give them everything I gave my students.

Rina was one such case. I’d never met Rina or her mother, Shifra, but I got to know them over many hours on the phone. Rina was a new dater — I set her up with her first boy — and as her mother put it, she “didn’t really know what she was doing.” I coached her on how to turn a question into a more elaborate conversation, how forthcoming to be, how much interest or restraint to show, even how competitive to be when playing a game on a date.

I prepared her for each date: this is what happens at a lounge, this is how it works in a restaurant, this is the way to respond to a serious conversation. We’d also rehash each date afterward: He changed his mind about where we were going last minute, what might that mean? I take this issue seriously, but he doesn’t, is that okay? He did this, is that normal or a red flag? By the time the shidduch ended after six dates, Rina had learned a lot about dating, and I knew her well.

Well enough to suggest Yonatan for her. It was a gutsy idea. Yonatan was European, tall, good-looking, polished, and articulate. He was also five years older than Rina, and an experienced dater. She really liked him, but felt overwhelmed and inadequate.

It was complex, but I believed they could make a great couple. So I continued talking to Rina, guiding her as she figured herself out. I spoke to Yonatan a lot too, helping him understand Rina. Of course, I kept in touch with Yonatan’s parents, and spent a lot of time talking to Shifra as well — listening to her perspective on her daughter, on the boy, and on the courtship.

Even when they were ready to “drop the shadchan,” I stayed involved to help smooth things along. Finally, one Sunday, Rina called to tell me that they were getting engaged.