The night of their first date, I was pumped. Same for their second date, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and sixth.

Until Eli called it off.

He wasn’t sure, he said. There were some minor hashkafic differences… but nothing that really had practical ramifications, so that wasn’t really it. There was just something… He wasn’t sure if Rena’s passion and intensity were right for him.

All I could think was, Her passion and intensity are exactly what makes her right for you.

“I like her,” he defended himself, “I just think maybe she’s a little too much for me. I always envisioned myself with someone a little more relaxed, an easygoing type….”

This was the first girl he was dating; he didn’t have any experience behind him. Nothing I said made any difference. He broke it off.

It’s hard to describe the feeling I have when a girl or boy walks away from the person I think they’re intended to marry. It’s devastating. I’ve experienced this many times, and every time, with one exception, the shidduch came around again and the couple eventually ended up together.

Over the next few months, I held on to the hope that that would happen for Eli and Rena too. I spoke to him frequently; he called me for advice on dating situations or to get information about prospective dates, and I set him up with a couple of other girls, too. But inevitably, no one he met was quite right. There was always something missing.

“The balance I’m looking for in a wife doesn’t seem to exist,” he blurted out one night in frustration. He had been dating for two years by then.

“Well, Eli, you’ve seen it once — in Rena, remember?” I had tried, a few times over the years, to get him to go out with her again.

“I remember. But she’s not for me, for different reasons.” He took a calming breath. “Maybe we should start from scratch here and talk this thing through from the beginning. Maybe I really am looking for something that doesn’t exist.”

That sounded good to me. Dating is a process during which you not only learn about the person you’re dating, you also learn a lot about yourself and your own needs. If that process doesn’t seem to be working for you, taking a step back to assess is important. You may be able to spot patterns, or have other observations that can give insight into where things are going wrong for you.

Eli and I spent a long time reviewing his experiences with the girls he had dated. We were able to see clearly the kind of profile that seemed to work for him: a girl with a very giving nature and energetic personality.

The problem was that many such girls were leader types and very passionate about the work they were involved in. Their motivation and drive for success made Eli uncomfortable. He called it “intensity,” and it scared him away every time.

“Maybe we need to look for a girl who’s more chilled,” I said. “Sweet, relaxed, but still a giver. Just not so high-energy. How does that sound?”

“You have someone like that?” Eli said. “Let’s go for it.”

I set Eli up with Penina. She was a speech therapist and she worked with young children in the state Early Intervention program. The kindness was there, but the drive wasn’t. Eli thought she was a wonderful person, but there was no chemistry. Something was missing. He said no.

Then COVID happened.

The world became a more serious place. The simple functions of life, previously taken for granted, were being challenged.

Eli called me in May. The strict lockdowns were lifting slowly, but the world was far from normal.

“Mrs. Leiman,” he said, “this whole crazy period has given me a lot of time to think, and I’ve gotten some clarity. It crystallized what’s most important and what I need. I think I want to go out with Rena again.”

I was shocked. And thrilled.

“That’s great!” I exclaimed. “I’ve only suggested that about seven times over the last two years. I’m calling Rena right now!”

I dialed Rena, now 27, immediately.

I was totally pumped the night of their first date, and the second, and third, fourth, fifth, and sixth…. Until Eli got engaged to Rena, his first girl and his last.

to be continued…

Shani Leiman is a teacher, shadchan, and dating coach. She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 722)