“I totally don’t do that, ever. I never even let the boy buy a drink for me”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

Yehuda was 24 years old, a serious boy who hoped to learn long term. His first few dates with Nechama went really well. She was 20, and had a generous and nurturing personality, perfectly suited to her job teaching sixth grade and heading the school’s chesed program.

When I ran into Yehuda’s mother after their third date, she confided that he was starting to get that “cloud nine look.”

But after the fourth date, Yehuda said that something was bothering him.

“It was good,” he said quickly, like he didn’t want to ruin anything, “but... I can’t put my finger on it.”

“First tell me what was good,” I suggested.

“You know… the conversation flowed,” he said. “It was interesting, stimulating… We went for a walk around the hotel grounds and it was fun and just... you know, nice, to be with her.”

“Did you get anything to eat or drink?”

Yehuda sighed.

“I think that’s it,” he admitted. “I tried telling myself it was no big deal, but I guess it does bother me.” He paused to collect his thoughts. “I always buy the girl a drink, it’s like standard for a date, right?”

“Right,” I agreed.

“On our first date I asked Nechama what she wanted to drink and she said, ‘Nothing.’ I was a little surprised, but she insisted she was fine. Later on, I offered to get drinks again, but she just said, ‘Go ahead, get something for yourself, I’m fine.’ ”

Hmm. Unusual, for sure.