Ring Me: Chapter 21
| October 21, 2020“I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to waste on a date that’s going nowhere"
Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer
When Avi went out with Elisheva for the first time, I was cautiously hopeful. He was 32 and she was 27, and, as she told me, “serious about getting married.” She was flexible about whom she was willing to date, and I knew from previous experiences that she really gave each guy a chance.
Their date was set for 7:30. At ten to nine, Avi’s mother called. “He says no,” she said, “but thanks so much for trying.”
I was taken aback. I know Elisheva pretty well, she’s a great girl. What happened that was so terrible that he couldn’t even give the date the minimum two hours it deserves?
“Listen,” Shiffy told me, “maybe we can talk about this. I don’t want to say anything bad about my own son. But he’s 32 already, and I don’t think this problem is going away on its own.” Her voice was high, and she was agitated, clearly struggling.
“Why don’t you give me some details,” I suggested, “and we’ll see if we can help him?”
“Help him. Right.” She took a deep breath. “Okay. I feel like… like he’s doing something wrong with his dating. He often says no to a girl after just one date. He claims he can tell immediately if someone isn’t for him. ‘NFM,’ he says.”
I’d heard of DOA, but NFM?
“Not For Me,” Shiffy supplied. “He picks her up at 7:15, and at 10:15 he walks back in and announces, ‘NFM.’ ”
I asked to speak to Avi directly.
“Mrs. Leiman,” he said when he got on the phone, “I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to waste on a date that’s going nowhere. Twenty minutes into the date I could see that Elisheva wasn’t for me.”
“Wow, what happened?”
“I live in Brooklyn, it’s a happening place, and I’m the type of guy who knows what’s going on, right? So I was talking to Elisheva, and I said something about Sweet Dreams, you know, that new ice cream chain that just opened in Brooklyn and Lakewood and Toronto? And she had no idea what I was talking about!” He made a dismissive noise. “Someone who’s so out of it that they don’t know these kinds of things is NFM. Totally not for me.”
I was stunned.
“Avi,” I reminded him, “you’re 32 years old. You’re going to write off a great girl because she didn’t know about some ice cream store? Don’t you feel that that’s kind of limiting or narrow-minded?”
“No,” he said. “I need a girl who will fit into my life, and I could see that she definitely wouldn’t fit.”
“Did you like Elisheva’s personality?”
“Sure, she was nice.”
“Was there a problem with her appearance?”
“Not at all.”
“You know what,” I said, “maybe I need to learn more about you. Can I ask you some questions?”
“Sure.”
“Okay, let’s leave this shidduch aside for a minute. Tell me a little about yourself and what type of girl you feel would work for you.”
“Okay, so I’m 32. I stayed in yeshivah until I was 27, and then I went to work. I had some schooling under my belt but not much. I got a job in the finance sector, and baruch Hashem it’s really working. I work full-time, overtime really,” he laughed. “I’m doing pretty well. My boss really relies on me, in this business you have to be ‘on’ 24-7, and he knows I’m always available.”
“Avi,” I said, “do you miss having a family of your own?”
“What do you mean?”
“It would tie you down — a lot. It would mean that you couldn’t be that guy who could be called on at any hour to save the day.” I waited a moment. “Would you like to have a wife and kids?”
“What are you saying?” Avi protested. “I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and I give them tons of attention. I buy them stuff all the time. And I’m involved in some chesed organizations, I help people financially…”
“So maybe your life is full already. Maybe you don’t really need to get married.”
Avi was quiet for a minute. “I don’t know,” he said, “I think I just can’t find the girl that would fit smoothly enough into my life for it to be worthwhile to get married.”
“Avi, no one should have to ‘fit smoothly enough’ into your life that it’s ‘worth it’ to marry them. What are you willing to give up in order to get married? You want her to fit into your life? How will you fit into hers? What if your work hours are too much for her, what if she needs you to be around or to help out with your”—I emphasized the your—“family?”
Avi was quiet.
“Your dream girl is supposed to click silently into place in your life without infringing on any part of it — not giving up your work or your chesed or your ice cream stores. No demands, no expectations. But relationships don’t work that way. There’s no girl out there who is always going to have the exact same wants and needs as you do. You’re always going to need to work together, make decisions together — everything from what color to paint the dining room to how much overtime you work.”
Still he said nothing.
“Think about it and get back to me,” I told Avi. “Let me know what compromises you’re willing to make in order to get married. You need to decide if your job means more to you than a family of your own.”
Avi is not alone. I’ve met many young men and women who, as they grow older and more accomplished, start looking for someone who will fit into their lives exactly so they need not make any adjustments. These men and women date and date, but just can’t seem to find anyone who’s right for them.
Avi was right — Elisheva was not for him. He’s still single and will remain single until he’s ready to live a life that includes others; a life that’s NJAM — Not Just About Me.
To be continued…
Shani Leiman is a teacher, shadchan, and dating coach. She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland.
(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 714)
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