Ari knew what his future wife would look like, and he knew what kind of hashkafos she would have. The problem was that the “look” he was attracted to didn’t quite align with the hashkafos he was looking for.

Ari’s experiences growing up in a co-ed environment had dictated what his future wife “should” look like, and those were the girls he said yes to. But those girls weren’t as deep or real or sincere about his chosen lifestyle as he was. Inevitably, the girls he dated realized this once they began talking seriously about hashkafah on the third or fourth date. The fifth date was just to make sure their perception was correct.

Then they said no.

It’s not only boys with Ari’s background who fall into this trap. Many men and women have an image of the person they’re going to marry. Sometimes it’s born out of something they saw in a magazine or a movie, or even someone they encountered in real life, like a brother, a cousin, or a neighbor. They carry that image around as they date, waiting to magically meet the person who matches their vision, who then must be their “match.”

Sometimes it’s not looks, but other characteristics. Some girls unconsciously expect to marry someone just like their teacher in seminary, or a rav they admire, or even their father. They don’t consider what their ideal man was like when he was 23.

It’s hard to identify a single who is stuck on a preconceived ideal image. They don’t sound crazy or picky. They’re usually very bright and confident and know exactly what they’re talking about. When they reject a date, they’re simply pointing out the obvious flaws in the person they’ve met. Don’t you see those flaws too?

Sure you do — everyone has flaws. Nobody is perfect (although my husband almost is). The purpose of dating is not to find the boy who puts on the best act and covers his flaws so well that you think there aren’t any until you’re married. The purpose of dating is to find a partner whose ma’alos are so appealing that you are willing to accept their inevitable flaws.

I suggested to Ari that he reconsider the image he was carrying around with him. What values did that image speak of? Were they the values he wanted to build his life upon?

“It’s true that my expectations were probably formed by my experiences when I was growing up,” he admitted. “But what am I supposed to do? I was exposed to certain things, that’s who I am.”

I disagreed. “That teenager who was exposed to those things no longer exists,” I told Ari. “Look in the mirror. Do you see that boy anywhere? That boy went through a major transformation. He doesn’t think or do or value the same things as when he was a kid.

“Now we need to complete the transformation in regard to how you envision a girl ‘should’ look. ‘Attractive’ needs to be redefined by the person you are today, not by the teenager you once were, sitting in a co-ed high school classroom.”

I asked Ari a few questions, working backward:

What are the values you want to instill in your children?

What kind of lifestyle do you want to have?

What do you hope your Shabbos table will look like?

How do you want your wife to conduct herself?

And finally: When you consider the kind of girl who will be able to raise your children with those values, support that kind of lifestyle, create that kind of Shabbos environment, and conduct herself in that manner, what do you think such a girl is likely to look like?

Ari got it.

“You’re not giving up on a beautiful girl,” I reminded him. “You’re just giving up on the image you’ve been defaulting to for so long. That image is outdated. You need to delete it and replace it with an updated one.”

I continued trying to set Ari up and coached him through several dating experiences. About eight months after he first came to meet me, he went out with Adina. She was bright, pretty, and put together, and he loved her positive personality. Her background was similar to his and she had made a similar journey. Most importantly, she shared the values and hashkafos that he desperately wanted for his future.

When I met them together, I could immediately see how in sync they were. The updated image was exactly right for him; together they made a beautiful couple.

to be continued…

Shani Leiman is a teacher, shadchan, and dating coach. She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 711)