“What happened?”

He made a visible effort at collecting himself.

“We were talking about our grandparents,” he said. “Rivky said her elderly grandmother lives with her family, and I said I can’t imagine such a thing, every time my grandmother comes to visit, I get angry and upset.

“Wait,” he said, in response to my horrified look. “Let me explain. The reason I find the visits so upsetting is because my mother makes her eat in the kitchen with her aide. We’re all together in the dining room, and they’re in the kitchen eating alone.” He was getting more and more agitated as he spoke.

“She does it because my grandmother needs help eating and it can get a little messy and it nauseates my mother. The whole thing makes me so furious, how she treats her, how she talks to her. Can you imagine behaving that way to your own mother?”

“Chaim—”

“I know,” continued Chaim. I didn’t explain the whole thing to Rivky and I should’ve. It sounded bad. But the point is, we were in the car, on the way home, and Rivky turned to me and said, ‘I can’t believe what you said before, that you hate when your grandmother comes to visit.’ ”

“Chaim,” I said again.

“I know!” he said. “I didn’t explain my comment, it sounds terrible out of context. But still!

“She was so tough about it, I can’t live with that. She’s going to be so critical, analyzing everything, sensitive about everything I say or do!”

“Chaim,” I said, when he finally let me talk, “you specifically told me you were looking for a sensitive girl. She’s going to be sensitive to everyone, not only to you. You made a comment that you yourself admit sounds really bad out of context, and she reacted the way a sensitive, caring, kind person reacts.

“You’re right — she’s sensitive. If you want a person who’s sensitive so she’ll treat you well, you can expect that you’ll have to treat her with extra sensitivity, too. Like she deserves.”

I explained to Chaim that relationships are reciprocal. He can’t demand that Rivky turn her sensitivity on just for him and turn it off when it comes to her own feelings. He wanted a marriage based on mutual respect and kindness, and he was going to have to display those traits toward his wife as well.

Chaim got it. He thanked me for taking the time to work things through with him. He realized that Rivky was exactly the kind of girl he was looking for, and asked me to set up the next date.

But it wasn’t that simple. Rivky was deeply disturbed by the whole encounter and wasn’t at all sure she wanted to continue dating Chaim. A guy who has no respect for his grandmother, who claims to “hate” when she visits?

“That’s not just insensitivity or bad middos,” she told me. “It’s a major red flag!”

I explained to Rivky that there was no way she could have known this, but the topic was particularly upsetting to Chaim, and he had misrepresented himself. If she would allow him the chance to explain, the truth would reflect his genuine sensitivity toward his grandmother.

Rivky agreed that Chaim could call her, and I helped him plan for a productive conversation. Their (very long) phone call resulted in another date, and then another.

Chaim managed to overcome the poor model he had grown up with and demonstrated that he was open to personal growth and change. Rivky was flexible enough to evaluate whether one poor comment was indicative of a larger problem or just a misunderstanding.

Their ability to be flexible and understanding served them well. They were a perfect match for each other — two beautiful, sensitive souls who each got exactly what they were searching for.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 709)