“I was used to acing everything. But dating just wasn’t working. I couldn’t trust a guy”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

"Who,” Nechama said from her place on my couch, “will ever marry me?”

I glanced at the notes I’d jotted down. Nechama was 26, the oldest of five siblings. She was in med school, and after just a few minutes of conversation, it was obvious that she was confident, hardworking, and very bright. Why was she feeling so hopeless?

“Tell me about your hobbies,” I invited. “What do you like to do for fun?”

“Hobbies.” Nechama seemed stumped. “I’m not sure I have any specific hobbies.”

“I love to create beautiful things,” I offered. “Like a beautiful setup for a sheva brachos, I’ll design the table with a theme….”

“I guess I like going out with friends,” she said after a moment. “But I don’t mind staying at home and just reading if I have some free time.”

“If?”

“Yeah,” Nechama said. “Listen, we were never that kind of family. We never went on family trips or vacations or even had those family reunion weekends. My father expected us to work hard and be successful.” She said this simply, without any trace of resentment.

There was more to this girl than met the eye. “Tell me about yourself,” I said.

It came out slowly, but I pieced it together. Nechama described that her father was the dominant parent — her mother went along with whatever he said. He was controlling and verbally abusive, but Nechama was made of strong stuff: she had decided at some point not to pay any attention to her father’s derogatory sniping, and succeeded in growing immune to it.

She coped by ignoring the way he made her feel, but eventually that meant she was ignoring all her feelings. As a child this helped her survive and succeed, but as an adult it didn’t serve her so well.