How could she stand next to this guy for the rest of her life? How could she marry him, after everyone she’d passed up?

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

Chaviva was 30 when she came to see me. She was determined to get married. “I’m going to marry the next guy who waltzes through the door,” she announced. “I’ll just make it work.”

I asked her about her dating history. She told me she was always getting set up with “weirdos” and couldn’t understand what had happened to all the “normal” guys.

“I know, I know, the normal guys are all married,” she said, “and we’re left with the guys who have issues.”

That’s not exactly how it works.

Some couples who marry young may have been flexible enough to just take the plunge. Not because their spouses are perfect — every person has flaws — but they just believed things would work out. They saw flaws, but they went with it anyway, with the perspective that it wasn’t a big deal.

Chaviva, though, dated in analytical mode. Every time she dated, she found reasons why the guy wasn’t good enough. He was too assertive. He was too gentle and feminine. He wasn’t polished enough. He was too intellectual. He was too short, too bald, had no manners (“Where do these guys grow up, in a dorm?” Well, actually…); he was too frum and rigid or too modern and accepting. How could she stand next to this guy for the rest of her life? How could she marry him, after everyone she’d passed up?

Chaviva was undermining herself with her critical mindset. But she was sincere in her desire to get married, and over the course of several discussions she was able to see where her thought patterns weren’t serving her well. I had high hopes for Chaviva when she started dating Shua.

Shua was a great guy. He was 34 and worked in finance. There were lots of things about him that Chaviva admired – he was well read and a clear thinker, he traveled a lot and had a broad worldview. He enjoyed nature, which Chaviva appreciated, and he was a futuristic thinker and very sought after in his field.

There was just one flaw, one I’d heard about before. Chaviva reported that “he’s fascinating to be with and talk to, but he’s a little socially awkward.” He was “nerdy,” she said, in the way he spoke and dressed.