Should rewards be used as a parenting tool?

A

“reward” is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “a thing given in recognition of one’s service, effort, or achievement.”

A parent can give a child a reward for getting dressed by himself in the morning. The question is, should the parent give the child a reward for this behavior — or for any other behavior?

Indeed, some people object to the idea of giving rewards to children altogether. They want the child to do whatever he’s supposed to do “because it’s the right thing” or at the very least, “because his parents asked him to do it.” They’re also worried that rewards might cultivate a “what’s in it for me?” attitude, squelching the natural desire to be and do good.

In fact, some believe that rewards rob activities of their true value. This could happen, for instance, if an older sibling was rewarded for sharing his treat with a younger sibling. The reward is thought to rob the child of the inherent satisfaction of acting kindly.

In addition, some are concerned that rewards may increase anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in kids who have trouble making the mark, and may make others less likely to take risks for fear of losing out.

There’s also a concern that rewards may lead to developing a fake persona, one in which the rewarded character traits are shown openly while unrewarded traits intentionally remain hidden. For instance, suppose a child was rewarded with praise for being bubbly and good-natured. She routinely overhears teachers, friends, and relatives give glowing feedback to her parents about what a happy child she is. This may lead the girl to hide her darker side — the times when she feels moody, insecure, down, or otherwise “unbubbly.” She feels she can’t be her full and fully human self because these other parts of her haven’t been rewarded with positive, nurturing attention; they’re clearly not welcome. Having to disown oneself is a high price to pay for maintaining a steady diet of rewarding remarks; unfortunately, it’s one that often results in depression, anxiety, and physical illness.

Finally, parents who give children rewards may be viewed as controlling. They’re using rewards, after all, to shape behavior, beliefs, and attitudes. When a child acknowledges that Hashem made it rain that day, he may be rewarded with positive feedback. When a child takes her plate off the table, she may be rewarded with words of thanks or a smile or even a special treat. When a child uses respectful words instead of having a meltdown when his parent answers no to his query, he may be rewarded with a promised privilege.

Should Rewards be Avoided?

After considering this long list of objections, you might think it’s best to avoid rewarding children. But actually, rewarding a child for doing what he’s supposed to do has no downside and only an upside: It will encourage him to do that behavior more often. Although he was supposed to do the behavior, he clearly wasn’t doing it. Offering smiles, praise, concrete items, or privileges may provide the “lo lishmah” reasons to perform it now.

Will rewards make the child mercenary, calculating the dollar value of each action he takes? This is a real risk when rewards are only offered for performance. When smiles and kind words, hugs and high fives and treats and privileges, occur half the time “just because” (that is, for no reason at all apart from the parents wanting to convey love), kids consider rewards a perk rather than the only reason to act in healthy and normal ways.

Do rewards detract from inherent joy in accomplishment? Does the child who wins the sefer no longer enjoy learning? If you eat a delicious dinner in the restaurant, is it less delicious because you won the meal at a charity raffle? If you reward yourself with a new skirt because you lost 50 lbs., are you now less satisfied with the weight loss?

Finally, are parents really controlling if they intentionally reward a child for desired behaviors? Sure. But let’s face it: Parents have an agenda. They want their kids to be normal and successful and are willing to take active steps to get them there.

So go ahead and stop offering rewards to your kids as soon as you tell your place of employment that you’ve decided to work because contributing to society is a value you hold by — they don’t have to reward you with a paycheck anymore. (Somehow, I don’t think you’ll be doing that....)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 933)