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hira’s just had an unpleasant conversation with her sister-in-law. And the thoughts begin: “I can’t believe she actually said that. Who does she think she is? When I want advice I’ll ask for it. She has no idea what’s happening. I should get a professional opinion?! We’re not normal? How does she know what ‘normal’ is?! I guess it’s all that time she spent with Benji in rehab. The nerve!”

Ruminations and Replays

Once she starts, it’s hard to stop. The whole conversation replays like a bad movie — what Shira said, what Chani said, what Shira answered, how Chani replied... and then again from the beginning, sometimes with commentary and sometimes without, over and over, throughout the day.

Gavriel: “Hi, Shira! I’m home! How was your day?

Shira: “Awful! Your sister is too insulting to believe. I’ve had a headache all day just from what she said this morning.”

Gavriel: “Really? What happened?”

Shira: “We were talking about playgroup and out of nowhere she starts telling me that I don’t know how to handle Tova and she needs to be assessed because she isn’t normal!”

Gavriel: “You know Shira — she probably didn’t mean it like that.”

Shira: “Don’t you dare support your sister against me, Gavriel! I heard what she said loud and clear and I know that she meant it!”

Gavriel: “Calm down, Shira. Even if she meant it, she was probably just trying to help. She’d never say anything to hurt you on purpose. She probably didn’t realize what it sounded like.”

Shira: “That’s it! That’s the last time I tell you anything. You think your family is perfect and no one can do any wrong! Well, I’ve got news for you: Your family is way more messed up than mine!” (Door slam, exit.)

Shira throws herself down on her bed. The thoughts start: “I can’t believe he’s on her side! A husband is meant to support his wife! ‘She probably didn’t mean it’ — ha! She sure did mean it! And it was mean! ‘She was just trying to help.’ Sure, sure. Like a fox wants to help a chicken! ‘She didn’t realize.’ Yeah, except that one thing: Your sister isn’t stupid. Why do I ever trust you?”

And then the replay: what she said, what he said, what she said, what he said, sometimes with commentary and sometimes without. Eventually Shira falls asleep, still in her clothes, dreaming troubled dreams the whole night long.

The Real Problem

It’s true that Shira had two difficult conversations that day. Her headache and emotional overwhelm didn’t come from those two-minute conversations, however. They came from her rumination — the rerun of each conversation and the recycled thoughts and feelings that were generated. In other words, Shira ruined her own day all by herself.

Mentally replaying painful conversations is a common strategy we all use at times in an attempt to reduce the underlying disturbed feeling that such conversations cause. Unfortunately, replaying the distressing conversation simply adds more disturbance to our system; each time we “hear” it, bad feelings and corresponding bad chemistry flood our system. We feel more and more agitated and drained with each new influx of negativity.

When we share an upsetting conversation with another listener, such as a spouse or friend, our goal is the same: to feel better. Unfortunately, again, we often come away feeling worse — the listener may be a “practical” problem-solver, a minimizer, or a commiserator. A listener who doesn’t help release the underlying disturbance just adds insult to injury, creating even more distress.

Feel the Hurt

The actual cure for upsetting conversations is to feel the upset, plain and simple. After such a conversation, sit down for a few minutes and ask yourself, “What do I feel right now?” Feelings will be conveyed in single words like “upset,” “hurt,” “angry,” “furious,” and “insulted.”

Thoughts, on the other hand, are conveyed in sentences like, “I feel that she has no right to talk to me like that.” As you can see, using the word “feel” does not turn a thought into a feeling. In fact, when the word “that” follows the phrase “I feel,” you are always expressing a thought, not an emotion.

Connecting to, naming, and feeling the emotion is what ultimately clears the disturbance from a difficult conversation. After you feel the pain, you can spend another minute or two coming up with solutions, if necessary. What won’t be necessary is stressing yourself out with reruns. (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 578)