A non-Jewish man my husband knew a computer professional by training used to make some extra money and get a free vacation by working for cruise lines as a minister. He was available to couples on board who wished to renew their marital vows — 5 15 25 or even 50 years after they married. The deck was the chapel the open sky the wedding canopy and the other cruisers the guests. Every night on the ship is a party so the reception was built in.
Renewed vows in the secular world are a testament to the endurance of a relationship through the ongoing changes and the vicissitudes of life we all experience. They can translate into renewed commitment stemming from an appreciation of the fact that we all evolve and as we change and grow our relationships don’t always keep pace.
There is no parallel for that in the Torah experience yet the issue exists just the same. Ongoing development of the individuals within a marriage over the years can cause a couple to feel out of step as their relationship doesn’t always evolve with them. What was a good fit at one time may no longer seem so and like shoes that are too small we feel the pinch.
How do we make sure that our relationships keep pace and that we don’t end up feeling out of sync with our spouse — or worse?

Bitter or Good?
In the timeless words of our Sages we hear shades of this question. When a man got married he was asked “Is it ‘matza’ or ‘motzei ’ have you ‘found’ or do you ‘find’?” This question is a play on words of two verses in Mishlei: “One who found (matza) a wife found good” and “I find (motzei) the woman more bitter than death.” In other words explains Rav Moshe Shapiro even one who has found a good wife needs a special blessing to continue to view her so or he may Heaven forbid enter into a state of “I find” rather than having “ found.”
Many aspects of our lives including those of great necessity such as health sustenance and good children require continuous blessing and we understand that even though we may be fortunate enough to have them now the situation can change at any moment. There is nothing we can do to ensure that we retain what we have or even that we get it in the first place. There is nothing that we have not money or connections or yichus that can ensure the results we desire.
The only option left to us is prayer. Chazal teach us that Hashem desires to hear the prayers of the righteous (that’s us). With prayer we utilize the only avenue truly open to us to bring down from On High that which is necessary in our lives. When we pray we reach beyond the finite world and into the realm of the spiritual and unlimited and we remove from ourselves some of the diminishment that was the result of the first sin.
All the events of our lives are part of a conversation between our Creator and ourselves. Through the circumstances and changes in our situations He is sending us messages. Our response is to pray and that is our participation in the conversation.
We can’t manage without the ongoing connection. Every shidduch made every baby born every job found every marriage that remains intact is miraculous. The conduit for everything we need is prayer as we entreat Hashem to once again show us kindness and compassion and miracles.
We do renew our vows each day to our Creator. And in terms of marriage our renewed vows means being in a continuous state of being mispallel that we not only found but continue to find.

Your Life Interests Me
How do we translate this into our day-to-day lives?
We need to become aware that just as Divine intervention is necessary to get us to the chuppah so too is it necessary for us to stay successfully married. Prayer is an act of aligning ourselves with the Will of Hashem and in praying for the ongoing success of our marriage we are aligning ourselves with the Will of our Creator.
We must also be willing to do the practical part of hishtadlus similar to the way we pray for good health but still go to the doctor. One of the most important efforts we can make to help our marriages keep pace with our evolving selves is to share that evolution. Take the time to explain what you’re up to what you’re thinking feeling and interested in both in the mundane and the spiritual.
Ask your spouse what he is thinking feeling and doing so that you keep abreast of his growth. You don’t have to be interested in stamp collecting if that’s what your spouse is into. But you need to be interested enough in your spouse to become excited if he found that rare stamp he was looking for.
Men and women often have different spiritual interests. The shiur you were inspired by and can’t wait to share may leave him cold and details in halachah that excite him may not seem relevant to your life. Share and listen without judgment. If your spouse senses disapproval as a response to what he shares you can be sure the sharing will soon end.
Giving over the message “everything about your life interests me” is one of the most important ways to ensure that your spouse includes you in his or her continued development. Sometimes women complain that they’re tired of hearing the same report every evening about stress at work problems with his brother or whatever else goes on regularly in their husbands’ lives. Even if it sounds like the same old same old know that your interest is meaningful and important to the health of your marriage.

Every Day a New
Experience
Herein lies another analogy to prayer. Each morning we pray the same Shacharis each afternoon the same Minchah each evening the same Maariv. Sometimes we add in personal tefillos for the same thing day after day. Are we exactly the same as we were yesterday? Absolutely not! The choices we make each day and the experiences we have change us. Each new tefillah is a new experience.
Rav Shlomo Wolbe in the Alei Shur describes praying as similar to riding a train. We begin by getting on at one station and when we finish we get off at a different station. The next time we pick up the siddur we’re getting on at that different place. And we want the One Above to listen to our Shacharis and not say “Didn’t she just say the same thing yesterday?” We should offer our spouses the same graciousness.
Our interest in the day-to-day of our spouse’s life creates a sense of how deeply we care and that is one of the most effective impetuses for growth.
Rav Moshe Shapiro points out that the hidden letters in the word adam — the lamed and pei of alef the lamed and sav of daled and the second mem in mem — spell out the word mispallel. Our essence is meant to be someone who is in constant contact with the One Above. Similarly the essence of our marriage is to stay in constant connection with our spouse so that our relationship can continue to grow with us.

Debbie Greenblatt is a senior lecturer for the Gateways organization and a teacher for over 30 years of both observant and not-yet-observant Jewish women. Debbie’s lecture topics include Jewish texts Jewish thought and relationships.