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ee that woman over there? The one who looks so put together, who’s laughing and chatting with her equally put-together friends? It looks like she’s so confident, so sure of herself. It’s hard to believe that she’s actually quite insecure. But in fact, everyone is! It’s the human condition.

Self-Hatred Is Universal

All people have some negative feelings about themselves. The most glamorous woman, standing in front of the mirror, may feel unattractive. The most accomplished woman may doubt her contributions. The most loved mother or wife may feel worthless and unlovable.

Human beings look around and compare themselves to others. There’s always someone who seems to be doing so much more, so much faster, so much better. We have endless opportunities to fail in comparison.

I’ve never recovered from my dysfunctional childhood. I’m always afraid that my husband will suddenly turn on me like my father turned on our family when he walked out on us. I always feel poor, even though I’m very far from that now. I always feel like I’m still that little lost, bullied girl at school, even though that was so many years ago.

Childhood chases us throughout life. Even if our own childhood was rosy, the insecurities of normal childhood often persist into adulthood.

I was an awkward kid. I’m still very self-conscious.

I could never host an event. My mother didn’t do that and I just wouldn’t know where to begin.

Even if childhood doesn’t haunt us, our inner critic can still pursue us.

When I learn that some of my friends went somewhere together and I wasn’t invited, I feel very rejected. Why wasn’t I included? Am I part of the group? I wish I could just feel good about myself and stop second-guessing everything.

Defusing Your Inner Critic

Feeling inferior or inadequate is no fun. It lowers our mood, hampers our performance, and even weakens our health. Nonetheless, every human being experiences inner judgment and criticism from time to time. To reduce the intensity, consistency, and frequency of these times, an ironic strategy is extremely useful: Agree with the inner critic.

Agreeing with our inner critic is a way to quickly defuse its power, much as agreeing with any bully tends to take the wind out of his sails. Imagine someone screaming at you, “You’re so stupid!” and you responding, “That could be.” Where does the bully go from there?

Similarly, when your internal abuser claims you’re too fat, you can reply, “Yes, I could lose a couple of pounds,” and when it claims that no one likes you, you can answer, “It’s true that not everyone likes me,” and so on.

When we accept an insult without defense, something wonderful often happens: A healthy part of us comes forward. This voice of balance and wisdom quickly offers a factual assessment of the situation. If it’s true that absolutely no one likes us, this voice will suggest that this is an area we could work on, while acknowledging areas of strength (i.e., “Well, you do a lot of good things at home and at work but it’s true that you could improve your people skills”).

On the other hand, if the accusation is a blatant lie, this balanced, wise part will point that out (“It’s not true that nobody likes you. You have a few friends and admirers! If you want more, you can work on it”). Self-acceptance and self-love — the opposite of self-hatred — involve accepting the whole self, complete with flaws and failings. It’s as if we’re saying, “I’m not perfect and I’m okay with that. I have some good points and I can work on my weaknesses if I choose to.”

I used to feel like an awful mother. After a morning of threatening and reprimanding the kids, I’d beat myself up for not being loving enough. But when I started saying, “Yes, I am too harsh in the mornings,” I started feeling peace for the first time. It’s a fact, plain and simple; it doesn’t make me a bad mother. It just means I need to make some changes.

Expressing disapproval of ourselves (“I’m useless at domestic things”) is a universal activity. It only makes us feel bad when we try to fight it (“Why? Why can’t I just do it? It’s so simple!”) Once we accept it (“Yes, that’s true”), self-loathing loosens its grip and we can carry on our lives in peace.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 582)