If you want to describe the feeling of being loved what would you say?

Everyone “knows” what love is and they certainly know what it isn’t. Throughout life we long for it suffer from lack of it and struggle to achieve it. But what is it exactly? Here is how some people define this term:

“Love is a feeling of being cherished deeply cared for.”

“Love is the feeling that you are completely safe.”

“Love is being accepted as you are.”

“Love is being treated with sensitivity kindness respect and compassion.”

“Love is warmth affection closeness.”

Unconditional Love

If they were capable of speaking most newborns would say that they are genuinely loved. In most cases they are cherished protected unconditionally accepted and valued; most often they are held in warm embrace and treated with utmost sensitivity. This state of bliss generally lasts at least until they are brought home from the hospital.

As soon as babies start to behave independently however — that is as soon as they start to cry and refuse to stop — conditional love begins to creep in. Now some things are okay and some are not. She’s cute when she’s asleep; she’s a terror when she screeches. The parent loves the child but doesn’t always enjoy her presence doesn’t always accept her just as she is.

New Conditions

If this is true for parents and children it is all the more so for strangers who commit to loving each other for a lifetime. Marriage partners may never feel unconditional love for each other since their union is based on conditions right from the beginning. They commit to each other because of so many things: finding in that person the right values the right character the right appearance the right attitudes and the right everything else that is important. When all the conditions are met two people agree to care for each other as they share life’s journey.

Often neither partner realizes just how conditional the bargain is. That is not until the conditions are no longer met or until new information comes forward creating new unacceptable conditions.

Bad Habits

“It really bothers me that my wife washes Shabbos dishes on Sunday. My mother always made sure the kitchen was sparkling clean on Motzaei Shabbos. I keep asking my wife to do this for me but she claims that she doesn’t want to spend Motzaei Shabbos cleaning up the kitchen. This battle has been going on for 18 years. Why can’t she just do this simple thing for me?”

Maybe because she’s not you. Maybe because she is the way she is and she does things her own way. Is the problem her selfish nature or might it be your critical nature — your inability to accept her as she is?

“My husband doesn’t hang up his clothes — he just throws them over a chair or leaves them on the floor. How was I supposed to know this about him when we got engaged? Even though I’ve asked him a million times to put things where they belong he never changes. It’s been 15 years. This proves he doesn’t care for me.”

Or maybe it just proves that he has bad habits. Maybe he’s great in a million other ways. Maybe you’re so busy focusing on this flaw that you can’t see the larger picture the true value this man brings to your life. Yes the clothing problem is annoying but is it annoying enough to destroy your home? Feelings of gratitude to your husband and to Hashem for sending him to you are blocked by your own negativity robbing you your husband and your children of love.

The Most Powerful Self-Love

Most of us live with ourselves quite successfully accepting our own quirks and limitations gracefully: “It’s just who I am. I’m not perfect.” What would it be like if we lived with our spouses this way too? What if we just accepted them faults and all? We can certainly ask for changes but if some don’t come maybe we can accept what is and move on pursuing only the “deal-breakers” — being careful not to make every difference between us into a deal-breaker!

Interestingly if we can refrain from judging our spouses they’re not the only ones who will benefit; compassion acceptance and understanding are attitudes that heal our own bodies minds and souls. Truly loving others is the most powerful form of self-love there is.