What I wish I’d known from the start

That a rabbi has to be unfailingly discreet. A young person once asked me a sh’eilah, which I answered seriously. I later mentioned to someone else that I couldn’t believe I’d gotten such a question. Of course I didn’t reveal the name of the person who asked, but the person I mentioned it to was friends with the one who had asked the sh’eilah and unknowingly repeated my comment at their Shabbos table. It was very embarrassing, although thankfully it did not ruin our relationship.

When I miss my father the most

When there’s some kind of personality clash or interpersonal issue in the shul community. There was once a conflict between two prominent individuals in the shul, and I was caught in the middle. My father was a very wise man. He was niftar last Chanukah at 97, and I miss his advice. Even now, I sometimes get involved in heated written exchanges with organizational heads, and I wonder if my father would agree that it’s worth keeping up those exchanges, justified as I am.

Something my father did that inspires me

Since my father’s petirah, we’ve found copies of letters he wrote to members on both major and minor occasions, as well as his correspondence with other rabbanim. I learned from my father what a simple phone call from the rabbi means to a shul member, whether during crisis or at times of joy. My father’s Friday phone calls were legendary — he was a big phone person, and he was committed to being there for people, with no thought of his own career, just a deep concern for kavod habriyos and kavod hameis.

Something my father did that I could never do

My father, a talmid of Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, was a member of the Synagogue Council of America. He took on Reform rabbis very successfully in his day, and he knew how to build a relationship without compromising an iota. My father was outspoken when it came to Orthodoxy and unafraid to confront people, but he did it with great tact and graciousness. I inherited some of the passion and I am outspoken, but regretfully, not the same degree of tact.

Something I do today that my father wouldn’t have done

Give shiurim via Zoom — although granted, I couldn’t have pictured that either when I first took over!

How I’m similar to my father

In personality and in hashkafah, although my father was a Yeshiva University musmach and I learned in Lakewood.

And how I’m different

My father was a master of discretion. He used to tell me that I’m too openly emotional and passionate, especially in my writing. Additionally, my father was raised in Warsaw, and his chassidish background lingered in his soul and in a warm connection with the Gerrer Rebbe. I never had that, I wasn’t raised with any chassidish feeling! On the other hand, my father was much more confident in Modern Orthodoxy and its impact and ability to be transmitted to the next generation. In terms of drashos, my father’s drashos were focused on the teachings of the Sfas Emes, Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch, and his rebbi, Rav Soloveitchik. I’m more inclusive in whom I quote — I quote from sources throughout the Litvish, contemporary, and chassidish world. My favorite happens to be Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz ztz”l of the Mirrer yeshivah.

If I could ask my father one question

What do you think can be done to restore the growth of the shul? Like many shuls in New York City, we’re suffering from demographic change, and I wonder if there’s anything I can do as the rabbi to reach the younger generation and involve them more in community life. —

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 878)