A behavioral turnaround can have surprising results

One of the things we learn from the Purim story is that things are not always what they seem. In fact they can be totally upside down the exact opposite of what we thought. And so it is in marriage — just when you think you’re winning you discover that you’ve lost it all.
Who Gets to Decide
Take for example the man who likes to be in charge of his household and of his wife in particular. He considers this position to be halachically mandated — “the man is the boss.” Were he to consult his rav of course he’d learn some other very important Jewish laws that pertain to the husband-wife relationship but this man is not usually seeking marital advice.
He uses the law to garnish his wife’s wages and lets her know that he is the one who will make the decisions about how funds are allocated. If she puts up a fuss he may further emphasize that as the main breadwinner it is his right to decide how money is spent in the family. In all of this he feels like he is coming out on top; he “wins” the power struggle with his wife.
But — surprise surprise! It turns out that he actually loses! He has traded marital happiness and a loving mutually respectful relationship for the right to manage his money. Of course he may save some dollars this way — particularly if he isn’t as fussy as his wife is about having nice things or even about necessities for the family. Why should he purchase a new bed for example if a child can still sleep on the old one? Is the bed an embarrassment to the youngster or perhaps a severe discomfort? Only a mother would care about such things. Money is money and the man gets to decide how it is spent. Who cares if his wife is unhappy about his decisions?
Self-Defeating Behavior
Odd as it may seem there are many people who conduct themselves this way. While they tread over the feelings of their partner they bemoan the fact that she is withdrawn unhappy or critical. They fail to associate their own callousness with their spouse’s response. In fact they seem blissfully unaware that when you treat someone as if you don’t care about their feelings that person eventually stops caring about yours. The irony is that while financial solvency is a good thing marital happiness is an even better one — protecting one’s own mental and physical wellbeing throughout life.
Unfortunately many people have never seen a happy relationship and they have no idea how to produce one. They copy their parents’ attitudes and behaviors never stopping to ponder the consequences of either. Did Father’s cold bossy attitude toward Mother create a loving marriage bond worth emulating? If not why emulate it? Perhaps a son learns from his father that this is how a man behaves and he never even imagines that marriage could feel good that it could actually be a warm loving companionship. He goes for power because that is all he knows but the joke is on him: Marriage isn’t the arena for power plays. It requires different tactics altogether.
Going Soft
Yes our tradition teaches that a man is king in his home. But his wife is not a downtrodden servant — she is his queen. Mutual honor and respect bring out the best in both of them. A man bends down to take his wife’s advice and this causes her to look up to him even more. He shows that he values her thoughts and feelings and she opens her heart to him. Her affection is his reward. His tenderness is his true strength.
Can a man change his ways after years or decades of insisting on his way in marriage? Of course! He only needs to learn a simple new phrase: “What is your opinion?” And then at least half the time continue with “So let’s do it your way.” This process must be applied to decisions large and small. Neither husband nor wife gets to make all the decisions but both work together to build their home.
It takes two adults — not one parent-like person and one child-like person — to create a healthy marriage. Employing this one change in communication can be the start of turning the marriage completely around making it the complete opposite of what it was before.