Morris and Ida Cohen were married for more than 62 years. They were originally from theUkraineand arrived in the States immediately after the war. Their three sons born inAmericaare successful married professionals; all have children of their own.

About a year ago Ida passed away and soon after Morris became weaker and weaker. It was as if he had lost the will to live.

I frequently visited him during the last few months of his life and we became close and comfortable with each other. He was always interested in the goings on of the shul and I was always surprised at how he kept such a close ear to the ground. But one day he really surprised me.

“I heard the Sapersteins are getting divorced. Rabbi is it true?”

I nodded in the affirmative and remained quiet.

“I know what the real issue there was” Morris said. “That Mrs. Saperstein is a real dominating wife. She just henpecked him till he gave up!”

I didn’t think it my place to comment and continued to sit quietly. Finally Morris said “You know my Ida was also quite a domineering wife. However I never let it get to me. I never reacted.”

At that point I realized that in all the years I’d known the Cohens I’d never seen Morris angry. And there were many times over the years when he’d had reason to be angry and annoyed. I remembered the bar mitzvah of their grandson when Ida was so upset that that they came late because (she claimed) Morris took the Holland Tunnel and not the Lincoln Tunnel to the city. She was certainly cutting and caustic and all the while Morris remained calm and collected never once mentioning (and I knew this to be true) that Ida was the “navigator” in their driving excursions.

The memory of their 50^th-anniversary party came to mind and how upset Ida was that Morris had “forgotten” to hire a professional photographer and how Morris just kept smiling and never let his composure be compromised — even though it was Ida who had decided not to hire the photographer.

I looked at the octogenarian sitting before me and said “You know you’re right! I’ve never seen you lose your cool. Morris Cohen you must tell me — what is your secret of self-control?”

Morris Cohen looked me in the eye and said to me the words that changed me forever. “Rabbi I am 89 years old. When I was a boy back in Kiev we lived in the same house as my grandparents. My zeideh had a real intense temper. We were all scared of him. However I remember that my bubby never responded to his anger and never ever became angry in response to his fury. She was always calm and in control. One day I asked my bubby how do you stay calm? ‘Moishele ’ she said (I was always called ‘Moishele’ in the old country — only in America I became Morris) ‘Moishele when you let someone make you angry you lose the one thing in the world that Hashem gave you that is yours to keep forever and ever.’

“ ‘Bubby what is that one thing?’

“My bubby looked at me and said ‘It is the power of self-control. Someone can forcibly take your money your health and even your life from you. However your self-control is yours to keep forever. When you allow someone to get you mad you become powerless and stripped of the one thing Hashem gave you to hold onto forever.’

“ ‘Moishele never allow anyone to make you powerless by making you mad.’

“And that Rabbi” Morris said “that is the secret of a good marriage.”