Having counseled couples for 40 years, I’ve observed that today’s young marrieds often have much more “equitable” relationships than was once common. They frequently share all the tasks of family life so that we now see more homes in which husbands and wives both go to work, do car pools, shop and make meals, straighten up, and put kids to bed.
While not everyone is doing it this way, many are. This gives men and women more insight into each other’s lives and a corresponding increased compassion for one’s partner. Sometimes.
Unequal, Unbalanced
Despite the positive trend, there are still many individual marriages that suffer from clear power imbalances.
Moshe and I were in the store picking out clothes for the baby. Moshe is fussy about how things look, where I’m more interested on finding bargains. We were on our way to check out when I saw this fabulous winter coat being practically given away at 70 percent off. I thought it was adorable and grabbed it and threw it on top of our pile. Well, Moshe didn’t like it.
So there we were, standing in line, and he says to me, “We’re not getting this coat.” I said, “Why not? It’s a great brand.” So he says, “Fine. You can pay for everything yourself,” and walks out of the store, leaving me there with the shopping cart and — as he knew perfectly well — no money.
I was mortified. The cashier and the others in line heard the whole conversation and everyone could see what had happened. I tried to hold my head up as I took the cart around the store to put everything back, but a clerk (who clearly felt very sorry for me), told me not to worry about it. I thanked her and left the store, hoping to see Moshe waiting in the car for me, but no, he had driven home. I had my phone, so I called my friend to pick me up.
Abuse of Power
This illustration shows a lack of equality and a mean streak. Moshe, for some reason, gets to determine which baby clothes can be purchased and which cannot. Who put him in charge? “I’m in charge because I make the money,” says Moshe. Of course, this same man wouldn’t allow his wife to have any money if she made all of it, but that’s another story. Then, when his wife doesn’t immediately go along with his censoring the little coat, Moshe exerts his power again, and drives home in what must surely be his car.
One nice thing about marriage is that you get to have grown-up privileges. You can do what you want and there are no parents around to punish you. You can behave really badly, like Moshe, and “get away with it.” That is, until your partner rebalances the power.
In our scenario, an entire article — or book — could be written about how Moshe’s wife could begin to help herself and her husband out of their dysfunctional power imbalance (using a wide array of techniques, including, if necessary, divorce). Although some badly behaved spouses are mentally disturbed and incapable of behaving normally, others will normal-up when their partners refuse to accept relationship imbalance and poor treatment.
How Can I Make You Happy?
The most important question in a marriage isn’t, “Who’s the boss?” but, “How can I make you happy?”
No matter how much Moshe doesn’t like the baby coat, he shouldn’t insist that his wife leave it in the store because it’s clear that the coat makes her very happy. “I don’t like the coat, sweetheart, but if it gives you pleasure, then sure, let’s take it.” The coat is there to facilitate the growth of love.
Moshe, however, would ask, “Why can’t she show me love by leaving it there when she knows I don’t like it?” This would be a legitimate question if Moshe’s wife was constantly creating her own power imbalance by insisting that everything go her way. However, that isn’t happening in this case.
There are consequences for making power plays in marriage; those who exert their power over their partner will find that their partner doesn’t love them anymore. No one likes to be stepped on and no one likes the person stepping on them. Mutually respectful and caring partners will enjoy a loving relationship. Power is a poor substitute for love.
