Fight the instinct to focus on bad behavior

W e all know that we’re supposed to “focus on the positive.”

Yet in the moment most of us will instinctively do just the opposite.

Let’s consider the following scenarios:

• Five children are at the table. Several are involved in a squabble and the racket is grating on our nerves. We tell “everyone” to stop bickering keep their hands to themselves and eat.

• It’s bedtime. We issue instructions for everyone to get into pajamas. Ten-year-old Levi continues reading as if we hadn’t said a word. We tell him “Levi! That includes you!”

• We see our spouse’s coffee cup sitting unwashed in the sink. As soon as we spot him we remind him “Hey I thought we agreed no more cups in the sink. Guess what I just found?”

Who Gets the Attention?

As I said our instinct is to focus on the negative not the positive. In the scenario with the noisy kids at the table the one little angel sitting quietly will inevitably be ignored while we load our attention upon the children who are misbehaving. We give those kids our presence: we look at them intensely we speak to them with energy in our voice we stand up straight we’re awake for this interaction.

In the bedtime scenario three kids may be running toward their bedroom but we totally ignore them. But Levi — the one who has a “listening problem” — will get our private one-on-one remark. We will look at him we will speak to him we may even walk up to him and lift the book out of his hand.

Finally our spouse receives attention for leaving his cup in the sink. He’s had 25 cups of coffee over the last ten days and we gave him absolutely no feedback. But this one time when he forgot or was in a mad rush or the phone suddenly rang and distracted him that’s the time we single out to give our spouse attention.

A Powerful Force

Attention is very powerful. Interestingly it doesn’t matter whether that attention feels good or bad — it’s powerful either way. It’s a force field an energy that energizes and expands whatever it lands on. If attention lands on desirable behaviors like sitting nicely complying promptly and tidying up then it will nurture those behaviors. If it lands on whining calling names hitting or refusing to cooperate then it will nurture those behaviors. We’ll be seeing more of whatever we focus on.

There’s a slowpoke in the house. Is he the one you’re talking to nudging along and interacting with while the others are moving smoothly through their morning routines? Stop talking to him and start talking to the others. “Wow! You guys are always so prompt! I’m impressed!”

There’s a wild one who’s always starting up with his siblings. Do you find yourself constantly reprimanding him correcting him and threatening him? Do you wonder why — despite all the attention he gets — he continues to seek mischief? Talk to the siblings instead! “I love the way you get all organized for your homework by yourself! You are one independent young lady!”

I’m Not Interested

Let the little troublemaker learn that you’re not very interested in his shenanigans. Lavish the attention on the others who are doing what they’re supposed to be doing: kiss them talk to them laugh with them. When this little guy is on task do the same to him! When he’s up to no good look away as much as possible.

If he’s doing something that simply can’t be ignored (because it’s destructive or dangerous) hardly look at him while you take steps to stop the behavior. Say ten words or less (“Stop this immediately or you’re going straight to bed”) in a very quiet and subdued voice as if to say “What you’re doing is so uninteresting.”

Fight your natural instinct to get all loud and in his face because — and you know this by now — that much attention will ensure that he does a lot more of this unacceptable behavior.

Use the power of attention consciously to help the whole family get on track. Attend to behaviors you want to see more of and eliminate or greatly reduce attention to behaviors you wish to extinguish. Then pay close attention to what happens in your home.