Pasting on a happy face isn’t always the best solution

Elana is reading in the family room. Her seven-year-old daughter is there too pouting in a nearby chair. Elana turns to her and says “Shoshi put a smile on your face. You look so grumpy.”

There are ten things wrong with the above communication. Can you find them?

1. Parent implies that the youngster is experiencing an unacceptable feeling. The emotional disconnect can lower a child’s emotional intelligence causing a host of developmental deficits.
2. By rejecting the negative emotion the parent displays distaste for “bad feelings” which can hamper the child’s ability to accept and release negative emotions throughout life.
3. Parent asks the child to mask her feeling by pasting a happy face on top of it causing the pain to go underground where it can lead to illness dysfunction addictions and more (emotions must be acknowledged before they can be released).
4. Parent shows more interest in the child’s outer appearance than her inner world (“I don’t know or care why you’re unhappy but you should maintain a pleasant facial expression anyway”).
5. Parent uses a negative word to describe an unhappy emotion (“grumpy”) as if unhappiness is something unappealing.
6. Parent alienates her daughter by being disapproving of the child’s feelings instead of showing acceptance compassion and a desire to help.
7. Parent abandons the child emotionally leaving her to cope with painful feelings on her own (causing after innumerable repetitions the grown-up child to feel that “no one was ever there for me”).
8. Parent models a lack of empathy failing to teach this essential skill to her child.
9. The parent’s remark leaves the child feeling as if there is something wrong with her. If the youngster gains a reputation of being “always miserable” she develops a sense of being damaged or deficient.
10. The parent’s remark implies that there is no reason for the negative mood leaving the child feeling guilty for having it. In fact the child is either at the mercy of her own biology or she hasn’t been helped to deal with the emotional consequences of painful and frustrating life events. She may be coping with her parents’ frequent marital battles or difficulties at school and doesn’t know how to process these challenges. As a result she’s chronically unhappy.

A Better Alternative

So what should this mother have said?

She could have said anything that named and accepted the youngster’s negative emotional state and showed concern such as “You look unhappy sweetie. Is something bothering you?” Here are ten benefits to this simple communication:

1. Parent models acceptance of negative emotions. The child learns that negative emotions can be faced which is the first step in releasing them.
2. Parent bonds with her child through offering concern building a stronger more emotionally protective relationship that helps the child regulate her moods.
3. Parent is emotionally supportive a factor which models important relationship skills and enhances the child’s mental and physical wellbeing.
4. Parent takes child’s mood seriously helping the child respect her own inner signals and work with them.
5. Parent implies that there is a reason for the negative effect allowing the child to understand her inner experience.
6. Parent’s intervention suggests that negative moods can be addressed helping the child maintain a sense of optimism during challenges.
7. Parent’s sympathetic attitude and kind words allow the child to feel loved despite her negative mood.
8. Parent is open emotionally teaching the child that emotions needn’t be hidden away.
9. Parent is respectful and curious in her approach to negative emotion helping the child acquire a healthy relationship to her own feelings.
10. Parent’s comment makes the child feel “seen” acknowledging the presence of an important inner world. This experience contributes significantly to the development of emotional intelligence and wellbeing.

Can a few words really make such a difference? Two single sentences don’t do much but parents tend to be consistent over time. What really matters is which of these two styles is used consistently during the decades of child rearing. That makes a world of difference.