All parents are farmers. They are busy planting seeds — in the fertile soil of the minds of their young children parents plant all sorts of ideas and experiences which over time bloom into a garden of thoughts dreams attitudes feelings beliefs and goals. The most successful farmer-parents are those who choose the best seeds to plant and do the finest job of nurturing their garden.

The Inner Landscape

What would you like your child’s inner world to look like? The inner world is one of thoughts and feelings. You have an inner world. Is it full of sunshine smooth clear and expansive space colored with hope optimism and energy? Or does it tend to be tangled dark and cluttered tied in knots of fear sadness or negativity?

If you’re not sure take a moment to check inside right now: close your eyes and “look” inside your head. Don’t think about this exercise — simply note what sort of image first comes to you. If you see/feel “nothing” then check again later. It can also help to ask yourself a few questions like “What color is it in there?” or “What’s the mood in there?” or “What activity is going on in there?” Whatever you find is probably fairly typical for you at this point in your life. Are you happy with what’s there right now? Or would you like to change it somehow? How did your inner world get to be the way it is? What do you imagine your child’s inner world looks like? What have you done so far to contribute to the way it is?

There are so many factors that contribute to the way our inner world grows and develops. To begin with there is the soil itself. Just as certain trees can only grow in certain soil certain thoughts can take bloom only in a certain kind of mind. Hashem creates the “soil” of the mind as part of a person’s mission in this world. For instance the minds of some children will be ripe to absorb the anxious murmurings of their parents. The parent might wonder aloud if the food has spoiled and this sort of child will absolutely refuse to eat it accepting the anxious thought and digging it even deeper into his own inner landscape. However another child overhearing the same remark may be totally resistant to it. “Looks good to me!” he says as he heaps a load of the questionable substance onto his plate.

The parents’ words and actions as well as all the events of the child’s life are seeds that are dropped onto the soil of the youngster’s mind. Some will take root and grow and some will not. Moreover seeds can be “blown in the wind” in addition to being consciously planted. For example while a parent consciously desires to plant the value of self-control in her child’s mind the actual behavior of the parent may sow the seed of “when you’re angry cast self-control aside.” In other words both the words and the actions of parents are seeds that may take root in the child’s consciousness affecting his or her behavior for decades to come.

Plant the Seeds You Want to Harvest

If you want your child’s inner world to be positive and full of light you’ll want to contribute to this outcome by planting seeds of positivity and light. Both through your words and your deeds you can plant constantly throughout twenty developmental years. When you predict positive outcomes speak words of gratitude and appreciation talk about Torah concepts offer encouragement and understanding express faith and trust and clearly enjoy living — you are using your words to plant positive inner processes. When your face beams with happiness you throw yourself into worthy projects and endeavors and display your trust in Hashem through your actions — you are using your actions to seed positive inner processes. But what can you do to help ready the soil to receive and nurture these seeds?

Work the “land.” In other words parents can nourish the soil of their children’s mind with constant repetition consistent modeling positive reinforcement and occasional discipline. Parents can pull out the weeds that block healthy growth by constantly working on refining their own characters — raising themselves the whole time they are raising their kids.

Since Hashem will control all the factors beyond the parent’s control parents will want to do their best with their small share of the project. They certainly can’t guarantee that every seed will flourish and bloom into the full expression of a fine middah a correct value or a healthy thought process but that is not their job. Their job is to carefully plant seeds tend the garden and pray that Hashem creates a bountiful harvest.