he changes came slowly imperceptibly. Until suddenly I realized that I was often more connected to a screen than to my family.
Something had to change
I think I lost my patience. Not in the sense of a onetime angry outburst but in a slow process I wasn’t fully aware of until it was too late. Like a sunset that looks beautiful until you realize you’re sitting in the dark.
I once had patience. I had patience while sitting through endless hours of difficult classes to get my degree. I had patience when I followed a diet plan that prohibited eating between meals. I had patience when I couldn’t avoid dealing with very difficult people; somehow I remained composed and didn’t respond in anger and frustration. I had patience when rocking my babies back to sleep in the sleepy predawn darkness. I have been patient while waiting for my prayers to be answered. I remember all that but lately something has changed.
Today the kids came home from school a few minutes early. I had almost finished sending an urgent e-mail but they didn’t have the patience to wait. Neither did I. They all stood around me talking at once and I just couldn’t handle it. I picked up the laptop and headed off to my bedroom where I could lock the door behind me.
After I pushed “send” I still couldn’t bring myself to step back out into the mayhem. My favorite news and shopping sites beckoned and I didn’t come out of my cave until I heard the kids had settled down with homework and games. I wish that I enjoyed sitting on the floor with the kids surrounded by puzzle pieces or menschies but I don’t. And I didn’t have the patience to pretend.
I tell myself that today we live in a different generation everything has changed but I know that is a poor excuse. Perhaps I didn’t realize what was happening as it’s been a slow process of erosion. As much as I am loath to admit it I’ve lost patience because I’ve allowed the Internet to become a central feature in my life. There I said it. It’s awful I know. I really didn’t want to admit it but it’s time to face the reality that I’ve created and take a step back toward being the person I want to be.
Today I saw on Facebook that the Millmans bought a spacious new home. My two-bedroom apartment has been feeling tight for a while but now the walls seem even closer than before.
I don’t want to be a jealous person. But it niggles inside How come they can do it and we can’t? Why can’t my husband be a little more proactive in asking for a raise and then we could get approved for a mortgage?
Or maybe that’s just me being impatient again.
Oops! We could not locate your form.