EMPTY BROADCAST I search for the false sense of connection felt from witnessing others broadcast their thoughts and experiences to the world. That connection isn’t real. There is no vulnerability or courage required communications are edited and measured no patience is engaged in truly hearing and understanding another person.

T

he changes came slowly imperceptibly. Until suddenly I realized that I was often more connected to a screen than to my family.

Something had to change

I think I lost my patience. Not in the sense of a onetime angry outburst but in a slow process I wasn’t fully aware of until it was too late. Like a sunset that looks beautiful until you realize you’re sitting in the dark.

I once had patience. I had patience while sitting through endless hours of difficult classes to get my degree. I had patience when I followed a diet plan that prohibited eating between meals. I had patience when I couldn’t avoid dealing with very difficult people; somehow I remained composed and didn’t respond in anger and frustration. I had patience when rocking my babies back to sleep in the sleepy predawn darkness. I have been patient while waiting for my prayers to be answered. I remember all that but lately something has changed.

Today the kids came home from school a few minutes early. I had almost finished sending an urgent e-mail but they didn’t have the patience to wait. Neither did I. They all stood around me talking at once and I just couldn’t handle it. I picked up the laptop and headed off to my bedroom where I could lock the door behind me.

After I pushed “send” I still couldn’t bring myself to step back out into the mayhem. My favorite news and shopping sites beckoned and I didn’t come out of my cave until I heard the kids had settled down with homework and games. I wish that I enjoyed sitting on the floor with the kids surrounded by puzzle pieces or menschies but I don’t. And I didn’t have the patience to pretend.

I tell myself that today we live in a different generation everything has changed but I know that is a poor excuse. Perhaps I didn’t realize what was happening as it’s been a slow process of erosion. As much as I am loath to admit it I’ve lost patience because I’ve allowed the Internet to become a central feature in my life. There I said it. It’s awful I know. I really didn’t want to admit it but it’s time to face the reality that I’ve created and take a step back toward being the person I want to be.