“For this mitzvah … is not concealed from you and it’s not far away.” (Devarim
30:11).

The Ramban explains that this refers to the mitzvah of teshuvah.

Teshuvah is not concealed;
on the contrary all of Creation testifies when a person has sinned and urges
him to repent. Teshuvah is therefore a clear recourse and our mouths
and hearts are able to do it.

Yet even though the Torah describes how easy it is to do teshuvah
from our vantage point it seems to be extraordinarily difficult. (Rav Chaim
Shmulevitz Sichos Mussar 5732:39)

It isn’t in heaven.

The heavens come down to you. Elul brings all of these things
to the doorstep of your heart. There is excitement in growth but despair
quickly overcomes it. How can you do teshuvah for so many sins?

One of the greatest factors inhibiting our teshuvah is
the habitual nature of sin. A person who is accustomed to sin does not perceive
the gravity of sin. Furthermore he begins to view it as something permissible.
These facts make such a person far from teshuvah since he believes that
he did not sin and there is nothing for which to repent. In addition even when
a person recognizes the gravity of his sins and desires to repent from them it
is exceedingly difficult to separate himself from them. (ibid.)

I have certainly tried to do teshuvah for that time when I
was at a wedding and I forgot to bentsch. All of the elements of teshuvah
were there:  regret explicit confession
understanding of the sin with all of its severity and the resolution never to
repeat the offense. From then on I resolved never to get up to dance before
reciting Bircas HaMazon.

But al hamichyah somehow always manages to escape me.
I don’t know what the difference is. Perhaps it’s the fact that my mezonos
meals are usually consumed with a burning conscience and accompanied by a faint
denial of the amounts that I have eaten. Could that be what causes me to forget
the brachah acharonah?

Every one of us has stains of sins that we treat with heaps
of regret and teshuvah. We also have stains that we consider small — the
ones that we justify on a daily basis with the excuses “That’s the way I am”
or “I wasn’t paying attention.” These are stains that we often think are part
of the fabric.

Now that Elul has come I feel a gnawing sense of despair.
How can I do teshuvah when I’ve moved so far away? How can I appreciate
that I was in violation of the grave sin of lashon hara when from my
vantage point it was a particularly captivating conversation? How can I manage
to feel that lying is a terrible sin when from my perspective all I did was handle
a sticky situation with a deft tongue?

Shaarei Teshuvah Volume 1
states that for a person who constantly repeats his offenses doing teshuvah
does not begin with regret for the past. Rather he must place himself on the
proper path resolving that he will no longer continue to sin and only then he
should feel regret and return to Hashem. (ibid.)

Just get up. Don’t wait until you fully grasp the nature of
your fall and the depths of the pit into which you have descended. Just get up
and go on.

We might not always be able to do teshuvah with all of
its depth all of its precision its self-affliction and penetrating regret. But
we can take just one step forward. We can try not speaking lashon hara
for one day. We can try to say al hamichyah with kavanah just
once. We can accept Shabbos earlier just once or try to make one family dinner
a positive experience devoid of bickering or criticism.

If he resolves to do good from now on over time he will
become detached from the sin to which he had been clinging. Then he will be
able to repent from it and achieve complete teshuvah. (ibid.)

Every step forward takes you a little further away from the
pit. Every ray of light that you introduce into your life banishes that much
darkness. The day will come when you will turn around and suddenly discern how
far you had fallen. Suddenly you will be able to truly regret your wrongdoings
and then you will be able to cry for those days.

But today you are simply beginning to walk. Today you are
embarking on the path of teshuvah.

How can I appreciate that I
was in violation of the grave sin of lashon hara when from my vantage
point it was a particularly captivating conv