Strategies for times of high stress,Parenting Under Pressure,Strategies for times of high stress

L ife being what it is there are many times when parents aren’t in their very best parenting mode. They may be going through deep marital crisis caring for an ill family member facing their own physical or mental health crisis dealing with financial challenges struggling with a troubled child or… well the list goes on and on.

Often people are dealing with more than one intense life issue as each problem tends to overflow into others. For instance a child suffering addiction may require expensive treatment leading to an unbearable financial burden that stresses the marriage to its breaking point. Meanwhile the “normal kids” in the family struggle to be seen and heard sometimes resorting to desperate strategies to earn parental attention. When an adult is not up to full parenting speed it can feel as if the whole household is falling apart; sometimes it actually is.

A House in Disarray

When parents are mentally emotionally and physically distracted children can take advantage.

“Mom can I have candy for breakfast lunch and dinner?”

“Sure honey ” answers Mom while on the phone with the doctor.

Meanwhile little Mr. and Miss Responsible try their hardest to take over for their “missing” parents. “You can’t do that — Mommy doesn’t let!” They beg their parents to pay attention step in take the reins but their words fall on deaf ears.

Moreover in addition to being absent stressed parents can also be harsh.

“Mommy can I have a sleepover tonight?” asks an innocent eight-year-old.

“I can’t think about that right now the answer is no!” says Mom way too loudly. Like any exhausted over-stretched person she is snappy irritable and impatient.

Parenting Crash Course

An overwhelmed parent doesn’t have time energy or ability to concentrate on parenting books or classes. She needs a map an effective plan of action that can be implemented with minimal attention and effort one that will somehow build and maintain healthy family relationships while offering appropriate and effective guidance. Here is the no-frills bottom-line four-minute parenting course that can help:

1. Reduce attention to negative behavior and give attention to appropriate behavior. Whatever you attend to (by glaring speaking punishing or rewarding) will happen more frequently. If a child is fighting with another child don’t intervene (unless you need to save someone from getting hurt). Instead find another child who is behaving appropriately and give that child your obvious attention. Wait until the “problem child” starts doing something appropriate and then interact with that child. In general talk to laugh with smile at and give treats and privileges to all the children throughout the day to encourage and maintain appropriate behavior.

2. Focus on what you want the child to do and help the child do it; follow up with praise (i.e. ask your child to speak in a normal tone of voice and then praise him for it).

3. Name feelings — yours and your child’s. Letting the child know that you are a human being helps the child act out less and care more. Letting the child know that you see her feelings too reduces defiance strengthens your bond and increases cooperation. (“I’m feeling overwhelmed and can’t make a decision about that right now.” “I feel bad that I can’t give you my attention right now.” “I know you’re disappointed.” “I see that you are upset.”)

4. Follow the I-do-not-argue-with-you rule which means that you can give your child an answer he doesn’t like (“Mommy can I have candy now?” “No.”) and you can change your mind about that answer (“Oh all right — go ahead and take one”) but only on the second time the child asks. If you already said “no” twice you can no longer change your mind. In fact you shouldn’t even talk about the matter after that. Although the child may protest or even have meltdowns in response that behavior will gradually disappear (provided that you are consistent in following this rule). From that point onward your interactions with the child will be much less stressful and much more peaceful.

5. Make simple rules and use negative consequences to enforce them when necessary. (“If you are still walking around past your bedtime you will not get cookies in your lunch tomorrow.”)

These few strategies are enough to bring order and calm to a household allowing parents to tend to whatever they need to attend to during high stress periods of life. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 564)