I’m never actually present at these alleged family meetings, but given my children’s behavior, I’m 90 percent certain they do take place

Actual Hypothetical Recorded Minutes of the Swerds Boys Family Meeting (circa 2017):

Four-year-old: “Hey, guys, I think it’s great that we’ve been able to wake up before 5 a.m., but we can do better than that.”

Three-year-old: “Really? I’m pretty maxed out from getting up at five. By 4:30 in the afternoon, I’m losing my mind.”

Four-year-old: “No, let’s not wake up earlier, let’s just tag-team Mommy. If we plan it well, we can have her awake for most of the night. That way, she doesn’t ever have to miss us!”

Infant: “Sounds like a plan. What if instead of just waking up and eating, I also throw up everywhere?”

Four-year-old: “Perfect. Look, I’ll start by going to sleep super late. Who wants 12 a.m. to 2:30 a.m.?”

Two-year-old: “Oh, I’ll take that. It’s super fun to sing and talk in my crib and at some point, take off my pamper so that Mommy can’t decide if she should panic and come into the room or stay out and let me fall back asleep.”

Three-year-old: “I’ll take the next shift. I’ll let Mommy sleep for 30 minutes and then I’ll wake up at 3 a.m. and tell her I want candy. I’ll pretend I have no idea why I can’t have candy now and I’ll get out of bed four times asking for candy just to see how long it takes her to lose it. Also, that way we can see each other more often. I’ll be pretty tired, though, so I don’t think I can go for longer than an hour.”

Four-year-old: “Don’t worry about it. I’ll do the next round. I’ll let Mommy sleep for 15 minutes and then I’ll have a scary bad dream so she’ll wake up, and I’ll insist I can’t go back into my own bed unless Mommy comes into the room and watches me to make sure my bad dream doesn’t come back.”

Three-year-old: “Is that enough? I feel like Mommy going back to sleep at 4:45 is still going to allow her to sleep for a block of time. Don’t we want to test her endurance and her love for us?”

Infant: “I can be up at 6 a.m. if that’s helpful, so that you guys can sleep in.”

Two-year-old: “Yeah, I’m with the baby on this. We can both be up at six. You guys sleep in until Mommy has to wake you to make it to school on time.”

Four-year-old: “This is amazing. See what we can come up with if we believe in ourselves?”