Being happy enhances the quality of our lives. But when we’re in pain, that’s easier said than done

Although we all enjoy innumerable blessings, we don’t always feel happy. This is odd, considering that appreciating the good in our lives elevates our mood and enhances our functioning. If we acknowledge all our blessings we can enjoy true happiness. So why don’t we?

Blocked by Sadness

“Sure, I have hot water and a closet full of nice clothes. That’s great. But I don’t have a husband anymore since he decided to leave our marriage. That was six years ago, but my life has been horrible ever since. I don’t have enough money. I lost many friends and half my relatives. My children want to spend all their time with him, even though he was the one who ruined their lives. I had to take a job that I don’t enjoy. What have I got to be happy about? Electricity? Give me a break.”

Really bad things happen — well, it’s actually that things that feel really bad happen. Cognitively, we understand that everything is from Hashem and that it’s all good and for our good. But it’s hard to be joyful when we’re feeling sad.

Tackling Pain

There are three types of emotional pain: fresh hurts, unresolved hurts, and buried hurts.

A freshly broken heart needs tender care throughout the day and a dedicated healing period of 30 to 60 minutes daily. Throughout the day, acknowledge the hurt and wrap it like an infant in a carrier, close to your heart. Look in on it frequently while going about your daily activities. During the appointed “feeling” session, give it free reign to cry out and protest its painful journey. Emotional release techniques are helpful for this, but even just paying attention to the pain itself — holding it tenderly as it were — can speed the healing. Repeat daily until the pain has settled down sufficiently for your attention to return to happier subjects.

Unresolved hurts still cause pain despite a significant passage of time. Typically, they are found in “thinkers.” When a thinker learns how to pay attention to the pain itself instead of thinking about it, she can finally release it and move her attention to happier subjects. She needs to find a way to access emotions rather than thoughts. Learning the self-help skill called “focusing” (found in books and courses) can be very helpful for this purpose. But just asking herself “what am I feeling as I think about this?” is also an excellent beginning.

Buried hurts typically require professional help. Difficult events give rise to strong emotional reactions such as sadness, anger, or fear. In childhood and in the midst of adult trauma and crisis, the pain may be temporarily buried because it’s too overwhelming to deal with. Eventually a person reaches a point in his or her life where it becomes safe enough to release the pain by bringing it to the surface (usually with the help of a therapist). Like removing the cork from a bottle, this sort of pain often erupts in a flood of anguished tears. And then it’s gone. The system is refreshed, renewed, and energized and the sufferer feels born anew.

Happiness is Possible

The woman in the scenario above who has suffered many serious losses is constantly circulating her pain and never recovering from it.

Is it possible to find happiness again when such intense loss has occurred?

Yes. The loss must be felt and grieved — not all day, but in designated feeling periods and, if possible, with the help of a good therapist. Then, for the rest of the day, she should focus on what she still has and what is still pleasurable in her life. Eventually, the pain will be released and she’ll be left with good energy, positivity and the ability to continue to serve Hashem with simchah.

Is it too much to ask of her? It’s not we who are asking it! We would understand if she remained miserable the rest of her days! But perhaps she wants to be happy again and certainly, Hashem wants it for her as well. By opening the door to her feelings — not to her story or her analysis of it — she will open the door to life.

Everyone has painful experiences and everyone has the feelings that go with them. We all need to know how to help ourselves through painful emotions in order to live with simchah.

 (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 720)