However a bone-marrow transplant is fraught with danger. The patient’s bone marrow must be destroyed with massive doses of chemotherapy and then replaced with several million healthy marrow cells from a donor. Sometimes the donor’s marrow cells attack the patient’s body or the patient’s body rejects the new cells — either way death can result.

Elizabeth recognized that her relationship with her sister was fraught with both attack and rejection. Might this pose a risk for the procedure? She didn’t want to take a chance.

She shared her concerns with her sister and the two agreed to embark on a brief course of therapy targeted to help them — for the first time in their lives — share their true feelings reveal their wounds and admit their wrongdoings.

Both women felt that the therapy was one of the most profound experiences of their lives. The ill sister said that the year after the transplant — which turned out to be her last year on earth — was the best year of her life not because she was granted more time but because the time she was granted was qualitatively different. The sisterly honesty carried over into all her relationships deepening and enriching them. Elizabeth also had this experience.

Being Authentic

Lesser’s take-home message was not to wait. There’s no need to wait until death is knocking at the door before one seeks closeness and resolution with loved ones no need to wait until illness threatens to rob one of the opportunity to make amends no need to wait until a time that may never come.

However waiting is sorely tempting because doing otherwise poses a great risk. Inviting a sibling a spouse a parent or an adult child to sit down with you and a therapist is scary. The person might refuse or even more potentially disturbing agree. Refusal will hurt but agreeing may hurt even more once the therapy begins. What bitter complaints might move out of the silent realm into the world of the spoken irretrievable word? What attacks and humiliations rejections and insults might have to be endured in front of a third party? After all is said and done what guarantee is there that something good will come out of the process? What if it makes things worse?

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained

Yes it’s possible to continue as always holding resentments inside keeping a safe distance barricading one’s heart. We are then protected but alienated safe but alone. In some cases it’s better this way. Some people can’t be trusted with one’s heart; withholding it is prudent.

But sometimes we’ve never even given a person the chance to show us what they’re capable of. We’ve assumed danger where none exists. Perhaps when the person was younger or less mature they were truly untrustworthy. But maybe things have changed and now would be a good time the right time.

If the person says yes to meeting with a therapist that in itself is a good indication that something is different. Or if they say yes to having a talk to make amends — even without a third-party present — that too may indicate a softening that bodes well for a positive outcome.

Clearing the Air

Put out feelers: “You know I’d love an opportunity to sit down and apologize for some things from the past to clear the air. Would you be open to that?”

Who wouldn’t be open to that? Someone who is still highly defensive suspicious or unforgiving will say “no thanks.” But anyone who says “sure” is worth working with.

Think of some things you can apologize for and start your conversation that way. Most people will follow your lead offering up their own mistakes and regrets. From there it gets easier. “I’m so glad we cleared all that up. I really appreciate you forgiving me and I hope we can start fresh. You’re important to me.” And hopefully you’ll both be able to enjoy many years of reaping the benefits of your conversation.