Our role as parents is to build the bridge between what exists and what our child needs

The Question

My son is a very sheltered, erlich boy, but he struggles academically. In my town, there are only two options for mesivta: either one that’s way too advanced for him, or one that’s way too chilled. How can I choose?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

Sometimes Hashgachah puts us in situations where no option is ideal, and our role as parents is to build the bridge between what exists and what our child needs.

Sometimes, perhaps most often, there simply isn’t a perfect option. We want a setting that matches our son’s ruchniyus, challenges him appropriately, and surrounds him with rebbeim who will love and understand him. Yet real life regularly presents imperfect choices.

When that happens, our focus should shift. We should think less in terms of “Which mesivta is perfect?” and more in terms of “Which one can I make work with the right support?” More specifically, with which mesivta can you build the best partnership to compensate for the imperfections and support your son’s growth?

If the more advanced mesivta has rebbeim who are warm and patient, and the hanhalah is open to collaboration, that may be the right place. In this case, a parent would need to add tutoring or extra support. On the other hand, if the more relaxed mesivta is led by people who care deeply about each bochur’s ruchniyus and personal growth, then a structured home routine and continued parental involvement can balance the lighter atmosphere. Perhaps an advanced chavrusa can also be a worthwhile investment.

Every child’s success depends less on the building and more on the relationships that surround him. A boy who feels seen, supported, and believed in will find his footing anywhere.

Sometimes Hashgachah puts us in situations where no option is ideal, and our role as parents is to build the bridge between what exists and what our child needs. In this case, it means partnering with the hanhalah most committed to his success.

If this is your oldest child and you have yet to experience the rest of the chinuch arc, it’s worthwhile to remember that a high school mesivta is just one part of a much longer journey. A boy who feels loved, believed in, and respected for his sincerity will continue to grow, even if his school isn’t a perfect fit on paper.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School of Yeshiva Toras Emes in Houston and author of bestselling book When They Were Young, published by ArtScroll.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Choosing a mesivta may be one of the more consequential decisions you will make. So consult with your child’s mechanchim, do your own research, and then take out a Tehillim and daven.

AS

a parent, choosing the right mesivta for your son is one of the more consequential decisions you will make. I’ve been fortunate to have spent a lot of my time trying to help parents navigate this topic, first as the eighth-grade rebbi in YBH of Passaic, and now as a menahel. In addition, I have the zechus of being part of an incredible organization called Project Kadima of Passaic, in which the community helps guide single mothers who may need assistance in certain areas of life. I try to be that sounding board for these mothers, to help give clarity when the topic of choosing a high school comes up.

The truth is, it’s silly to try and answer a question like this one in this format. I know literally nothing about your son. There are so many factors here. What town do you live in and what are the actual choices of yeshivos? “Way too advanced versus way too chilled” can mean so many things. What does it mean that he is sheltered and erlich? Does that mean he wears his brim down by davening? Does he wash negel vasser at his bedside? Or to rely on the old trope, would he go to a baseball game?

Since I don’t know your son, I can’t offer any real practical guidance, but here is something to keep in mind.

At the risk of (extremely) overgeneralizing, there are typically three main categories of eighth-grade boys in mainstream yeshivos.

• The super bright, hardworking type, who learn night seder every night. These wonderful boys usually attend the yeshivah of their choice.
• The eighth-grade kid who is really struggling and unhappy in yeshivah. He needs to find a yeshivah tailor-made to help him work through his challenges.
• Everyone else. The typical eighth- grade boy is one who goes to school happily but doesn’t spend recess asking his rebbi a kashe on Tosafos, attends minyan three times a day but would prefer Tiros to dress pants, and has a group of friends, even though he didn’t invite his whole grade to his bar mitzvah.

Choosing a mesivta for this boy needs real guidance and an abundance of siyata d’Shmaya. Ask his rebbi and menahel for their opinions. They, hopefully, have a wealth of experience in this arena. Then do your own research, and ask yourself the following: Do I think my son is capable of doing well in a yeshivah with high expectations of a ninth grader? Will he be crushed by the pressure or respond by trying to grow to meet the higher standards? If the latter is true, then by all means, try and do whatever you can to get him accepted. Often, boys walk into mesivta and become different kids overnight.

But don’t be afraid of the alternative. Don’t think there’s no other derech. Perhaps your son needs patience. Maybe he needs to be in an environment with less pressure. So many bochurim take time to mature intellectually and develop emotionally. Ninth grade is not the end of the journey, it’s only the beginning. We all know countless wonderful bnei Torah who didn’t truly blossom until later on in high school or beis medrash. And if we try to force them to grow up too early, all we are really doing is pushing them away.

The bottom line is this: It’s not easy to find clarity on what is the best place for your son. How can you be confident that you’ll find him the right place? There’s only one answer. Take out a Tehillim and daven. That’s the most assured recipe for success in chinuch.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and rosh mosad of Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, as well as director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1087)