Mothers in Transition

It’s hard to be a mother. At first you are responsible 24/7 for a tiny helpless being who is completely dependent on your care. In these early days you live symbiotically with your child intuiting her every need. The two of you are one.

When you return to work or when she goes off to school (whichever comes first) you experience the first dramatic break in this powerful union. You have your day and she has hers. Still for so many years you will still maintain a strong connection and a sharing of minds. You will know what she needs not only from what she tells you but from what you sense and feel as well. Though increasingly independent the two of you are still very much connected. She needs you for everything from physical care to mental stimulation and emotional nurturing. She is dependent on you and you are Mother the archetypal giver and nurturer.

And then she leaves. At first it is small steps out the door; there are sleepovers and overnight camps. Eventually there’s seminary. You hope and pray that marriage will follow.

And while you want your child to grow up and move into her own life you feel the inevitable weakening of the mother-child bond. The cord pulls and thins. Yes she’ll always be attached but it’s different now. She’s a young woman. She doesn’t need Mommy in the same way as before. She makes her own decisions manages her own schedule deals with her own social life and responsibilities. If all is as it should be she is busy active and independent. Your job in raising her is virtually completed.

Separation Anxiety

When seminary attendance involves leaving home both mother and daughter may experience separation anxiety. For most this will be manifest as an uneasy feeling of anticipation worry about how things will be. Mothers may worry about how their daughters will cope independently or they may worry about their safety or happiness. Daughters may worry about negotiating the logistics of travel and lodging in a new environment missing family time meeting new people facing new educational challenges. Usually these are the worries about change itself. While uncomfortable they are more annoying than overwhelming. Still all transitions can be made easier by using the Bach Flower Remedy called “Walnut.” Two drops in liquid a few times a day in the weeks preceding a major change can ease the psyche into that change with far less stress.

For some mothers or daughters however separation anxiety manifests not so much as nervous anticipation as outright terror. This type of separation anxiety is a fear that borders on panic. There may be nightmares. There may be daytime tears. There may be uncontrollable feelings of grief loss and despair. Sufferers realize that their feelings are “irrational” but they can’t turn them off by using their usual thinking and coping strategies. When separation anxiety is unpleasant but manageable the Bach Remedy “Mimulus” can help. However when it is interfering with functioning or is causing significant distress it can be best helped with the assistance of a mental health professional. Therapy and/or medication can bring separation anxiety under control.

A New Beginning

While seminary marks an ending it also marks a beautiful new beginning for parent and adult child. Both will experience a shift in their lives that brings new experiences new opportunities and new growth. The parent-child relationship often becomes more enjoyable (in a “distance-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder” kind of way). The transition paves the way for the development of a new adult-to-adult relationship and all the riches and rewards that this bond can bring.

(Originally Featured in Family First)