We’re all individuals with individual preferences. Some of us like coffee some don’t. Some like tea but only herbal — and on and on it goes. It only makes sense that we also differ in the way we like to spend our money.

“My wife thinks we should be giving thousands of dollars a year to her family. I don’t mind helping out a little but we’ve worked hard for our money — why can’t we use it to add on to our house or take nicer vacations? She knows how I feel but she keeps writing those checks and handing over cash whenever she thinks I’m not looking.”

Money Management

Hashem sends money into a household in many different ways. Sometimes it’s channeled through a single breadwinner sometimes by two working spouses. Sometimes it’s supplemented by inheritance or community funds. However it arrives money must always be allocated for various purposes.

In some marriages the wife manages the money while in others the husband takes on this task. In yet others husband and wife work collaboratively on their financial management or the husband manages certain parts of the budget while the wife manages others. Any system can work provided it is working! Usually it helps to explicitly create a money-management system as opposed to simply making assumptions about who will be doing what.

“When we got married I thought my husband would give me a credit card and carte blanche to manage household expenses. That’s how my parents did it and it worked fine for them.

“My husband did give me a credit card but he insisted on going over every expense with me at the end of each month. He’d criticize this expenditure or that telling me I could have gotten a better price on the other side of town or that I shouldn’t have bought that item altogether. We spent our early years constantly arguing about money.”

Saved by the Budget

Conflict can be reduced by clarity. Although every couple can make the conflict-free money plan of their choice the following suggestions have helped many people attain financial harmony:

1. Both husband and wife should know all of their expenses. This can be accomplished by writing up a budget that includes fixed expenses (like the rent or mortgage insurance installments utilities payments for loans/education transportation maaser and so on) as well as variable expenses (such as entertainment holiday expenses repairs medical and dental care clothing and other costs that vary significantly from month to month). Savings (for both short- and long-term goals) should be assigned to one category or the other.

2. Both husband and wife should know all of their income. This can be accomplished by writing down all sources of income (for the previous two or three years if possible noting any recent and current changes) including that derived from jobs dividends bonuses investments commissions loans gifts etc.

3. Husband and wife should each have an agreed-upon allowance for discretionary spending (funds remaining after meeting the needs of the budget). This means that each has personal money that can be spent in any legal appropriate safe manner without having to explain or account for it.

The Freedom to Spend

When both spouses are fully informed of their financial situation each is more likely to take appropriate steps to respect and protect it. Suggestions #1 and #2 help husband and wife to make responsible spending decisions in each category allowing them to answer their own questions about whether it’s reasonable to buy a new sheitel take a vacation or purchase a new piece of furniture. Suggestion #3 allows each person to function as an independent adult spending discretionary funds according to his or her own values judgments and preferences.

For instance if a spouse loves shoes she can spend all of her discretionary funds on pairs as long as there’s space in which to store them! If a spouse wants to give away all of his discretionary funds to needy relatives he can do so with no questions asked. In this way each person can enjoy the freedom of being his or her own financial self.

Financial harmony enhances overall marital harmony. When money arguments are routine it’s time to develop a new form of money management. Putting some dollars toward professional help may well be the best investment yet.