There’s a place for punishment

IN

the “olden days” parents punished their kids when they did something wrong. It was a simple calculation made by generations of parents: If you punish the child for inappropriate actions, he’ll realize he’s not supposed to do those actions again.

Enter the modern era. A lot of new thinking rolled out about parenting. Here are just a few of the modern precepts:

• A good parent-child relationship is the key to healthy development.
• Love, acceptance, respect, empathy, and compassion are sufficient tools for raising healthy children.
• Children can be taught appropriate behavior through teaching them to problem-solve.
• Parental understanding, validation, and acceptance of feelings is the key strategy for helping children to be emotionally and behaviorally regulated.
• When boundaries are required, empathy, explanation, and logical consequences are the strategies of choice.
• Positive feedback is an important tool for education and self-esteem.
• Punishment is generally harmful for children and at times abusive.

These psychology-based concepts have helped parents do a kinder form of parenting. Today’s children have stronger-than-ever attachments to their parents and a more positive sense of self. And less respect for authority. And less tolerance for discomfort. And a greater need for immediate gratification.

Something good has happened as a result of this parenting, but something has also gone wrong. It seems that a steady diet of intense love isn’t quite enough.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not one to blame parents for the way their kids turn out. Parents are only part of the developmental picture. A child’s free will matters a great deal, as does his genetic characteristics, his birth order, his family dynamics, his academic and social experiences, his history of trauma and difficulties, his peer group, his religious experience, his surrounding culture, his neighborhood and community, and many other factors.

However, parenting is a contributing factor that parents need to consider as they want their role to be as positive and helpful as it can be. Therefore, I’d make a few modifications to the “modern parenting propositions” described above.

• A good parent-child relationship is one of the key elements that fosters healthy development.
• Love, acceptance, respect, empathy, and compassion are important tools for raising healthy children.
• Problem-solving is a valuable tool to teach children.
• Parental understanding, validation, and acceptance of feelings are valuable tools that may help children become emotionally and behaviorally regulated.
• When boundaries are required, empathy, explanation, and appropriate consequences are the strategies of choice.
• Positive feedback is an important tool for education and self-esteem.
• When paired with warm, loving, and consistent parenting, punishment has been found, in research spanning the years 1966 to 2024, to produce the healthiest developmental outcomes.

The changes in the list are small, but the ramifications are big. We see now that every tool has the potential to help, but is insufficient on its own. The last bullet concerning punishment has, however, been completely overhauled. Research shows that giving punishment is a very important part of parenting. When carried out without anger in the context of strong, positive parent-child bonds, punishment is helpful, not harmful.

Most behavioral education can be accomplished using good-feeling parenting interventions. Punishment must be employed only when all other good-feeling techniques have failed. It’s mainly to prompt a child to stop doing the wrong thing or start doing a desired behavior. “If you don’t stop hitting your brother you will have to leave the room right now,” or “If you don’t put your toys away, I’m not taking you to the park.”

Punishment can be logical or illogical — the main criteria is that it motivates a child to cooperate and deters inappropriate behavior in the future.

By itself, punishment is an ineffective tool. But when accompanied by teaching interventions, it can speed up learning and break unhealthy habits.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 919)