In the case of being afraid of your kids going off the derech, this means that the frightened parent holds an unreasonable and unfounded panic about the child’s ability to face disappointment or other negative feelings without giving up his or her religion.

Off-the-derech-fear is characterized by a panicky feeling that anything a parent says or does could cause a child to go off the derech.

Just like with some phobias, this exaggerated fear is sourced in an element of truth because sometimes, the unhappiness of a child may lead the youngster to veer from the proper path.

However, the very definition of phobia includes the term “exaggerated fear” — a fear disproportionate to the actual statistical likelihood of the feared event occurring, or disproportionate to the intensity of harm anticipated as a result of the event occurring. In the case of being afraid of your kids going off the derech, this means that the frightened parent holds an unreasonable and unfounded panic about the child’s ability to face disappointment or other negative feelings without giving up his or her religion. In severe cases, the parent afraid of their kids going off the derech is afraid to say no to her child, fearing that the disappointment will cause the child to go off the derech.

What Causes a Child to Go Off the Derech?

Off-the-derech fear often occurs as a result of failure to understand what actually causes a child or adult to go off the derech. It also arises out of a false notion that parents can prevent their children from going off the derech by keeping them happy. In fact, there are many possible contributors to a teenager’s or adult’s decision to leave the Torah way of life — all of which make a difference in individual cases through interaction with a person’s biology and psychosocial history.

For instance, a child with severe ADHD that led to serious academic struggles and who also experienced chronic bullying from classmates over many years, may desire to escape his tormentors through escaping his lifestyle. Or, a child who lives a chaotic existence due to his parents’ severe marital conflict, financial crisis, mental health problems, addiction or other dysfunction, may attempt to cope by wandering off the derech.

In both these examples, a cascade of difficult life challenges combined with a vulnerable genetic profile may result in overwhelming distress that can sometimes lead to rejection of Hashem and/or community.

However, a lack of interest in religion can also occur in mentally healthy people raised in healthy, happy homes, due to free will and personality factors. In other cases, an oppressive school environment may stifle appropriate spirituality. Sometimes, susceptibility to the yetzer hara may arise out of exposure to social (including friends, family, colleagues, and communities) and/or digital influences. In addition, feelings of not belonging or having various mental health conditions or experiencing abuse by educators, parents, or mentors can all contribute to a decision to go off the derech. Whether the decision to go off the derech is a temporary or permanent one, it's the result of pervasive, complex factors. It doesn’t happen because a parent said no.

Non-Paranoid Parenting

King Chizkiyahu saw in a Divine vision that his offspring would turn out badly and therefore he decided not to have children. As a result, he was punished with severe illness. The prophet Yeshayahu explained to him that he had no business in matters that belonged to Hashem, outcomes out of his control. His job was to do what he was supposed to do: beget and raise his children. And so Chizkiyahu took a wife.

Parents need to know that their business is to control themselves and do the best they can in raising their children. This means that parents should do normal, healthy parenting — parenting in which the “right hand draws near” through abundant love, affirmation, and nurturing, while “the left hand (the weaker hand) repels” through appropriate boundary setting carried out with firm respect.

When parents say no as required for safety and education, they cause benign disappointment in their children. The temporarily unhappy or displeased child doesn't reject his entire heritage. “No, we can’t afford to vacation in Florida,” does not create the kind of pain that leads to going off the derech.

Those suffering from fear of their kids going off the derech — the fear that anything they do to displease the child might cost the youngster’s Yiddishkeit — experience unnecessary anxiety and distress and, equally disturbing, may engage in distorted parenting strategies in attempts to control the uncontrollable.

The solution is to daven and parent with confidence. If this fear persists, seek professional help.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 885)