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On Shavuos we receive the Torah — our book of law and order. The Torah introduces concepts of limits. It turns out that not everything “goes.” We have to wait a certain time before eating dairy foods after eating meat. We have to stop for one day, once a week, and refrain from doing certain activities. We have to conduct ourselves so that our actions increase holiness and decrease a fixation with the material world. There are limits to our joy and limits to our sadness.

In many ways, the Torah harnesses our impulses so we become elevated. Sometimes we like this and sometimes we don’t, but that’s the way it is. Our ancestors who stood at the mountain wanted these limitations. “Tell us what to do, and we’ll do it,” they said, happily submitting to the powerful Creator who did so many miracles for them.

They recognized Hashem as their great benefactor and were willing to comply with His Rule Book, no questions asked. They did it out of gratitude, trust, and love.

In every generation, we can reawaken the love between ourselves and our Creator by focusing on the good He does for us daily, as well as the historical good He has done for our people. Our Yamim Tovim and tefillos help us do just that. With feelings of gratitude, trust, and love, we too are ready to do the will of Hashem, no questions asked.

The child who feels gratitude, trust, and love toward her parents is willing to be compliant. She doesn’t fight every request or defy every demand. On the contrary; she wants to cooperate. She is indebted to her parents, recognizing their generosity and their affection.

Although her childish impulses may sometimes draw her into erroneous behaviors, she feels remorse when her parents confront her and she readily corrects herself. She accepts their guidance, relies on their experience and wisdom, and trusts that they want the best for her.

Rules Gone Wrong

But what happens when a child doesn’t feel gratitude, trust, and love for her parents? Does she still work hard to comply with and learn from them? She might. She might be desperate for their approval and she might work hard for it her whole life — even if she receives nothing but rejection.

However, it’s more likely that she will give up at some point. Some children give up while still pre-schoolers. Others do it while in elementary school, some not till high school, but most children who cannot connect to their parents’ feelings of love reject everything about the parent, including the crucial lessons the parents try to offer.

“I remember my mother always yelling at me. I don’t remember what I did wrong but I’m sure I behaved badly. I wasn’t motivated to be good. There was nothing in it for me. My mother saw me as a troublemaker. She made faces of disgust at me, rolled her eyeballs when I spoke to her, ignored me, and favored the others. I got the message that I was a lost cause. So what was the point? I just did whatever I wanted to do even if it made her angrier.”

This child illustrates how crucial a healthy parent-child bond is. She didn’t accept the limits her parent imposed because she felt hated by that parent. Moreover, the only thing she remembers is the emotional dynamic — she doesn’t even register the lesson her parent was trying to teach. She forgets that she dressed immodestly or that she took property that wasn’t hers or that she hurt a family member. Whatever important lesson her mother wanted to convey is buried under the emotional carpet of rejection. The child only remembers the way she felt. Her mother’s harsh reprimands failed to drill the lesson into her brain. Instead, they bored a hole into her heart.

Appreciation, Trust, and Love

In order for a child to accept the limits imposed by her parents — no questions asked — she must feel gratitude, trust, and warmth toward them.

Gentle, careful, respectful, warm parenting makes limit-setting possible. The child who knows that she is loved feels and returns that love by submitting to parental guidance. Each parent, in his and her own way, needs to prove this love before she sets the rules, just as Hashem did for us.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 645)