Lita was nervous all day.

It was almost as if she were a bruised cat in a dark alley looking behind her all the time over her shoulder thinking someone wants to hurt her. The kind of cat that after a few hard kicks learns not to trust.

Everyone thought it was because Lita was fromRussia.

But that wasn’t it.

She had friends from the same exact city on the same exact street that didn’t walk around as if the KGB was behind them.

It was because well it was because she was selfish.

Life was about Lita. What was good for Lita. What was easier for Lita.

It’s hard and scary to have six children and a husband when it’s all about you.

People had told her for years well not actually people but her husband.

But she believed it was because he was so selfish that he called her selfish.

And that made her even more selfish.

She spent half the day mimicking him in her mind because if she didn’t like him she could rationalize that she didn’t have to give to him.

She’d see him or hear his voice and tense up because here he comes he’s going to take from her.

She could actually give to her children because after all they are children. But adults — they were damaged goods. And she liked new and perfect things. Like the rich man who doesn’t want to give to the poor she pointed an accusing finger at her husband internally declaring you don’t deserve my kindness because you brought this poverty upon yourself with your behavior. Therefore the rich man absolves himself from giving.

And so did Lita.

The cycle went on until the game became — who could give the least.

Then one Shabbos she watched her children play a certain card game. They called it “Yaniv.”

“Sounds Russian” she said.

It drew her attention from the kitchen. The whole idea of the game was the winner is the one who has the least instead of the most.

And it was in that moment that she saw her life had become the game of who could give the least.

A person needs to give. Even if it’s watering his plants in the morning. That’s why rabbits and hamsters and pet stores exist. And coats for poodles.

In that moment Lita turned it around. Instead of everyone being annoying threatening creatures that take from they became creatures to give to. Opportunities to share.

Of course her husband was frustrated; she’d made him into a begging monster.

A man can’t beg instead he yells. She felt she got it.

Like riding a bike one day you can’t get the pedals all the way around before you’re falling down all over the place. Next day you’re flying. And when you learn to ride the whole world changes. You can get to places your feet could never bring you to.

And it all happened in one day. What was ruined in a lifetime was fixed in a day.

The next morning instead of running out the door in the morning for some escape errand she stayed home. Made some apple crumb thing her husband’s favorite.

She put it in the oven to fill the whole house with the smell before her husband came home.

You see apple crumb fills the whole house when it bakes.

It’s the smell of giving.