A shocked bystander bellowed “Yankel bist meshige gevorn? Are you off your rocker? It’s Shabbos! What are you doing?”

“I decided to quit Yiddishkeit” Yankel explained. “So I thought to myself why change my shoes one week and get condemned take off the shtreimel the next week and get condemned again the gartel the third week and get condemned the beketshe the fourth week and get condemned once again and on the fifth week drive the horse and buggy and get condemned for the fifth time when I can drive on the first Shabbos get it all over with eintz-tzvei and avoid a full month of mockery?”

Our teens who go off the derech do not let us know they have given up on Yiddishkeit by showing up one day to the Shabbos table dressed in shorts and a tank top minus the yarmulke and tzitzis sporting the latest hairstyle and maybe even a tattoo or a piercing. They did not quit Yiddishkeit all at once as the wagon driver did. And when we catch them high on pot or liquor you can be sure that this is not their first time. Their deterioration started a long time ago progressing slowly over the years and we did not see it coming. Now we ask ourselves what we can possibly do to change what has happened. We’ve tried everything and nothing has worked.

We do not always know the reasons why a child goes off the derech. It could be because the father rarely sees his son and when he does it’s only for a few minutes. Perhaps the mother only tells him what he does wrong — even if she does so in a nice way — but never tells him what he does well and if she does it’s not in a glowing way. The parents mean well but the son grows up hating them and that affects the way he wants to live his life.

Recently some experts have advocated that we should simply show these kids how much we love them and at the same time let them “do their thing” for fear that otherwise they’ll become further estranged. The thinking is that with love they will come back.

It is important to understand that if you don’t discipline your children correctly and with dignity when they are young they may grow up to be vilde chayehs a sort of pere adam.

Every gadol will tell you that we must constantly show our children love and they must understand that we love them. But that does not give them a license to destroy our home family and equilibrium or rob our household of simchas hachaim.

According to this approach we are supposed to allow them to live in a way that is not congruent with our Torah way of life and at the same time use our homes and family for their physical and emotional needs. We cannot enjoy the simchahs of our family and friends because we are bothered and hurt by our children’s actions and appearance. Yet we should say nothing because we become afraid of them and feel compelled to show them only love.

In reality it is precisely because we love them that we must rein them in rather than let them run loose without any harnessing whatsoever. We cannot continue to give and give without expecting anything in return because when we do so we are helping them to live in multiple worlds with no responsibilities whatsoever — an unrealistic approach to life where every successful adult accepts responsibility for his actions.

We have to find a way to show them that we love them but are against their rebelliousness. A few years ago I wrote in these pages that I brought this dilemma to Maran Rav Chaim Kanievsky shlita. He answered “Vos maint men az s’iz a hefker velt?” Of course he agrees that every parent should love his child no matter what and the child should be cognizant of that love. Yet even troubled children have responsibilities. Yeish din veyeish dayan.

Certainly we must pick our battles and not be makpid on what in the long run does not make a difference. Troubled children may require different courses of action because of their individual needs but never complete hefkeirus.

Some weeks ago while in Yerushalayim I visited the Tolna Rebbe shlita a famous world-class mechanech and baal eitzah and I again brought up this very painful problem of how to handle “kids in pain.”

To answer my question the Rebbe quoted the Beis Yisrael of Gur who asked the following: Why did Avraham Avinu take every kind of lowlife into his tent even ovdei avodah zarah (provided they left the avodah zarah outside) yet when it came to his nephew Lot who allowed his shepherds to graze their sheep in others’ fields Avraham insisted on parting ways?

The Beis Yisrael answered that there are two different dinim — one for strangers and one for family. If one has guests at the Shabbos table who are not behaving according to our values then one din applies. But when it is family — “achim anachnu” — then a completely different din applies. With family we must be more vigilant on insisting on a certain modicum of behavior because otherwise we allow them to live without accountability.

When a troubled teen considers all others inconsequential is indifferent to the needs of others has the selfish attitude of “I’m the only one who counts” and shows continual chutzpah then separation may be the only answer.

When such a route is taken the child must understand that he is loved — but that full acceptance comes only with the acceptance of Torah ideals. The door will always be open but only if some consideration is shown to the other members of the household even if it is only an act.

Rav Elya Brudny shlita rosh yeshivah of Mir Brooklyn related at the recent Agudah convention a story that took place several decades ago. A bright 19-year-old talmid left yeshivah for college and kept coming back with his issues and gripes against the frum world. Rav Brudny tried to set him straight but after a while he did not know which way to go with him.

He asked the gadol hador Maran Elazar Menachem Man Shach ztz”l what to do with this bochur. “Do I continue to say something or not?”

Rav Shach answered “Mir kenen a mentch altz zogen” — you can tell any person anything as long as you follow the advice of the pasuk (Yeshayahu 30:15) “B’shuvah v’nachas tivashei’un — with calmness and serenity will you be saved.” When one speaks calmly and serenely everything can be communicated and explained.

We must learn how to talk to all people and say the right things the right way. How much more so do we have to learn how to talk to our own children and know what to say and what not to say even at their earliest stages of life.

Teach your preschoolers that this world is not a “hefker velt” — but do so with loving-kindness. There are lines that cannot be crossed and this knowledge — transmitted calmly and serenely — should be part of a Jewish child’s DNA from birth.

Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark is the dean of Beth Jacob Seminary of Montreal.