Mimi reaches out to touch her arm, awkwardly. “Oh, Lea. That’s so… that’s really hard. I’m so sorry. I… had no idea.”

“How should you know?” Lea shrugs. “Gymnastics, that’s the only thing I have left. I almost never miss a class, and my parents want me to keep it up too, they’re very into this type of thing. And it’s meant to be a fun place, a chilled place, the place where I get to let go and have a good time… and instead, it’s become such a pressure cooker. Everything needs to be perfect. I can’t handle it.”

Mimi suddenly sees the whole picture so clearly. Tova, with her drive for perfection and her own tough background, pushing each girl to achieve her maximum. Lea, coming to gym to escape the stresses of life with a sick sibling, resenting the atmosphere more and more. They both mean well, but they’re speeding in opposite directions. No wonder they’ve been colliding.

“I guess it’s a matter of mindset, if gymnastics is all about having fun, a healthy outlet, or if it’s about making goals, perfecting a routine, performing, all of that,” she says. “Tova doesn’t mean badly, you know. She’s just very… result-focused, and you’re — for you, it’s about doing it, being in the moment, having a good time… it’s like you’re there for two different reasons.”

“I guess so.” Lea’s breath gives a final catch, and then slows. “Whatever. The year is pretty much over. We’re performing on Sunday, and then next year we’re in a different group, anyway….”

Next year. Mimi’s chest clenches. She has to give Tova an answer soon, about the coaching next year. She’ll be joining the graduates’ group, where it’s more about keeping up their skills than learning new ones, but is she also going to be taking private coaching, learning how to become a coach herself? Beginning to dip her toes in as an assistant coach for the younger groups?

She needs to decide, now, today, or at least tomorrow — and tomorrow, she remembers, heart thudding to her sneakers — is the seminary test.

She and Lea reach an intersection. Lea’s heading across it; she needs to make a right turn. Home isn’t far away now.

With the steady stream of thoughts running through her mind, Mimi reaches home almost without realizing.

If I were Kayla, I’d journal now, to get my thoughts straight.

But she isn’t Kayla, so instead, she flops onto the bed, hugs her knees, and wonders….

How much has she changed this year? That conversation with Lea — she’d never have initiated that a year ago. Even a few months ago. And, like, being able to see where people are coming from — Lea, Tova, even understanding herself better — this was new. An understanding born of — challenges maybe? Struggle? The hard year she’s been through, honing strengths she never knew she had?

And Lea. Mimi understands her, she really does, but something is niggling, and slowly, Mimi’s able to crystallize what it is.

Lea’s using gymnastics as an escape. It’s not a healthy outlet for her; it’s everything, the key to her emotional survival. And it’s too much, too meaningful. That’s why Tova’s every word bothers her.

Was that what she, Mimi, had been doing, in the past? Relying on gymnastics for her self-worth, for her feel-good pick-me-up, for everything. Her identity.

Maybe.

Mimi sucks on her lip. Ugh, being brutally honest — even to herself — is no fun.

But then again, she’s changed, hasn’t she? She still loves gymnastics, but she knows its place in her life. It’s something she loves and hopes to take further one day, it’s definitely not something she plans to give up anytime soon, but… right now, there are so many other things in her life. Friends and family and finals and 12th grade coming up, seminary applications and school stuff… it’s not the time for her to start coaching. It’s not the time for a job, now.

After seminary, if there’s still an opening for her, she’ll be back, for sure. But right now, she realizes, her answer for Tova is going to be no.

And what if you don’t get into seminary at all? a nasty voice whispers inside her.

Mimi’s heart flutters. The test tomorrow… so much depends on it.

I don’t know what will be if I don’t get into seminary. But I do know that I’m going to give it the very best shot that I can.

to be continued…

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 943)