I am married to a wonderful ben Torah. My husband and I have a very good honest relationship in most areas except for one. I have a problem trusting my husband when it comes to the internet. We have a password on the computer that only I know per my husband’s request. I was recently out of town with my children for a few days and when I came back I saw on the internet history that my husband has been watching some TV episodes and been on extremely questionable websites. How did he get on? I believe he asked my friend for the password as she sometimes borrows the computer and knows it. Why did I check? Because it's happened before.

One recent bein hazmanim my husband asked me for the password as he said he would like to be able to read the news to relax while I’m at work. I did not want to be his mashgiach so I gave it to him. Again I checked the history and saw some questionable sites. He’s also watched movies and read inappropriate books online.

I find myself losing respect for him. He talks as if he's so against the internet but when put to the nisayon he does not always pass the test. I feel hurt that he could do something like this. How should I respond? Should I speak to his rosh yeshivah who he respects? Should I speak to him directly and let him realize I don’t trust him? Please help me figure out what to do and say.

Rabbi Zev Leff is the rav of Moshav Mattityahu rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Gedolah Matisyahu and rosh kollel of Kollel Yesod Refael. R’ Leff is an internationally-recognized lecturer and teaches in numerous seminaries where he is valued for his incisive classes which combine scholarship wit and a deep understanding of contemporary issues.

Rebbetzin Michal Cohen LCSW is the rebbetzin of Congregation Adas Yeshurun in Chicago where her husband Rabbi Zev Cohen has been the rav for 24 years. She is a licensed clinical social worker at a family service agency; counseling individuals couples and families for 16 year and teaches kallahs under the auspices of Daughters of Israel.

Rabbi Nesanel (Volvey) Rand is a rebbi in Mikdash Melech Yerushalayim since 1991. He is a certified family therapist who counsels couples and yeshivah boys in private practice specializing in anxieties OCD and depression. He is also the director of the Yeshuos Yaakov Hotline a free service for mental health advice and referrals.

Rabbi Zev Leff

Obviously your husband wants to do what’s right but the yetzer hara gets the better of him when the safeguards are relaxed.

Speak to him first. Inform him that you are aware of his failures and want to discuss how to guarantee that he will not be put in a position to allow this to happen in the future. Perhaps a stronger filter or a buddy system would help. Suggest that maybe he seek advice and chizuk from his rosh yeshivah or from someone who doesn’t know him. Also suggest that you learn together the halachos and mussar of these issues of shmiras einayim hirhurei aveirah “lo sasuru acharei einechem ” etc.

If all this fails tell him that if he was drowning and didn’t realize it or didn’t want to do what was necessary to save himself you would of course do everything to save him. So too here you will do everything you have to do to save him from this spiritual drowning. This will perhaps give him the incentive to take care of this on his own and not to take the chance of you divulging it to his mentors.

With a tefillah that you be successful.

Rebbetzin Michal Cohen

Firstly it is difficult for me to know from your question exactly what your husband is viewing on the internet. I am going to make the assumption that he watches things to relax and unwind (albeit not things he should be looking at) and he does not have an addiction to explicit inappropriate sights.

That said I think it is important for you to know that we women can’t understand what this yetzer hara is for men. You state that you are hurt that your husband is doing this. This is not about you; it’s about him him and his yetzer hara. Do not turn it into an argument between the two of you as that will derail the real issue. Instead of being angry with him try not to judge him. Instead think about the fine man you say he is and develop some empathy for his situation.

I do not recommend you talk to his rosh yeshivah. If you do without asking him he will feel betrayed by you which is the last thing your relationship needs right now. By all means speak to your husband directly. Tell him you see he has been on the internet and you are concerned. You would like to help him with this what would he like you to do? If he wants you to speak to someone for him then do that. Do not check up on him unless he wants you to do that as a form of shmirah. This is not an uncommon problem and there are organizations to help men with this serious nisayon.

I also wonder why you have unfiltered internet in your home to begin with. There are so many companies that provide great filters both black lists and white lists.

If your husband chooses not to work on this or if his efforts do not bear immediate fruit you should seek guidance from a wise rav or mentor to give you chizuk and help you be the supportive wife your husband needs as he struggles with this very real and difficult nisayon.

Rabbi Nesanel Rand

In your letter you use words like trust respect and hurt which allows me to assume that underneath the internet issue lies questions regarding your husband’s honesty with you and worry about where his behavior may lead to.

Generally there are two basic approaches to the husband-on–the-internet issue. One counsels acceptance of his nisyonos with his yetzer hara while the other pushes for stricter adherence to computer rules. While both approaches may lead to pragmatic results I feel that the core issue — the relationship between the two of you — is not properly addressed with either.

The ideal marital relationship is a beautifully woven fabric of trust and respect between two spouses. The thread of this fabric is open and healthy communication. To foster that in your home you may want to share with your husband that his internet habits raises three concerns:

First this habit is creating feelings of hurt and betrayal. While I’m sure you husband has his own convincing rationalizations for his action you as his wife have a right to express to him that you are hurt by his behavior specifically by his looking at other woman and not being honest about his adherence to his commitments regarding computer usage. He needs to know that his actions are creating a distance between the two of you.

Second his actions have a negative impact on the kedushah of the house and the influence he has on his family.

Finally you are concerned that his behaviors are hurting him both spiritually and physically.

If your husband rebuffs your concerns claiming that you blowing the issue out of proportion just keep focusing on your concerns and feelings. Explain to him that trust in a marriage includes being able to share weakness with one and another and working toward shared goals only increases respect and love between one another. By coming across as an understanding wife (as opposed to turning this into to a power struggle between the two of you) and with much tefillah may you see much siyata d’Shmaya with your family.