Ambition carried me far. Faith carried me further

As told to Lori Holzman Schwartz

I

checked off the first of my life goals without much trouble. I got accepted into an Ivy League college, spent four years studying intensely, and then enrolled at an Ivy League law school, specializing in tax law.

While I was knee-deep in schoolwork, my friends started shidduchim. But I wasn’t worried. As soon as I had my degree, I’d start dating and then things would happen quickly. At least that’s what I thought.

After graduation, I was hired by a top law firm. My hours were intense — I worked until midnight or 2 a.m. every night. That might sound like a prison sentence to some people, but I loved it. I enjoyed the intellectual challenge of the work. My mind was stimulated and I felt productive.

And I could still date in the evenings. I’d leave straight from the office, meet my date somewhere, and then return to my desk afterward. I met a lot of nice guys, but nothing clicked.

The years slowly passed and I was still single. Many of my friends, who also had high-powered careers, were making it to the chuppah. Why wasn’t it happening for me? I was putting in my hishtadlus, giving it my all, so why wasn’t I seeing results?

(As it happens, I met my husband, Eliyahu, when I was 25, but a silly misunderstanding would keep us apart for another 15 years. We first met at a singles event and we had a great conversation. But after ten minutes, I excused myself to go back to where my sisters were sitting. I thought, if he’s interested, he’ll follow up. He didn’t, and I assumed he wasn’t interested. A while later, I heard through the grapevine that he had gotten married. Eliyahu still remembers our first meeting. He had really liked me, but thought, she couldn’t get farther away from me if she tried. I guess she wasn’t interested.)

Some frum single women put themselves in a holding pattern until their husband shows up — making career and life decisions that might not be their first choice because they think it’s only temporary until they get married. I wasn’t going to do that. I needed to fulfill my intellectual and professional goals. So I built a rewarding career in tax law, made great friends, and stayed close to my amazing family.

“I don’t understand why you’re not married. You’re so pretty,” older relatives would say.

“She’s too smart,” another relative would chime in. “The boys don’t like smart girls.”

I think there’s some truth to that. Men were often intimidated by my career. One of my friends — a successful, accomplished lawyer — was once told by a date that his mother had hesitations about her because she didn’t want her son eating takeout every night.

Ten years later, I was still single and still working into the wee hours of the night. I took stock of my life and I realized that, somewhere along the way, without meaning to, I had prioritized my career over my dating life. It probably sounds crazy that it took me ten years to figure this out, but a fish doesn’t realize it’s in water. I’d been working so hard, for so long, that it just felt natural to spend my nights at the office.

I quit my job at the large law firm and accepted an in-house position in corporate America. Instead of working till 2 a.m., my day ended at 6 p.m.