From what I understand anything that a parent does for a child over the age of six is considered to be an act of kindness — not an obligation. Go tell that to your seven-year-old. And to your 37-year-old.

Not “Doing Their Job”

Let’s listen in on a conversation among three women:

“I’m very disappointed in my mother-in-law. She knows that we’re on our own here without much help. She could easily come and babysit so I could run a few errands without taking the baby. But she’s totally into herself.”

“You think that’s bad! My own mother is even worse! Not only does she hardly ever babysit but she also doesn’t help us out financially even though she can well afford to do so.”

“You ladies don’t know what rough is. I feel so bad for my husband. He sees how his mother dotes on his brother’s kids and speaks to his sister ten times a day. But she rarely calls us and when she does she clearly doesn’t want to be emotionally supportive. If Alon tries to share his problems with her she just tells him everything will work out and then changes the subject!”

The lashon hara in this conversation is an enormous transgression. But within lashon hara we inevitably find other transgressions as well. The most common of them is negative judgment and these ladies are doing plenty of judging. They have deemed their parents and in-laws to be underperforming. According to their implicit standards their parents or their spouses’ parents should be more attentive more generous more helpful and more involved. They’re just not up to snuff.

Trying Harder

“I’m going to sit my mother-in-law down and let her know that she needs to think of her children more. If she wants to have a good relationship with us she has to try a lot harder.”

Really? You’re planning on telling this to your mother-in-law? What happened to the concept of kibud av v’eim?

Parents and parents-in-law aren’t spouses who are obligated to engage in a give-and-take relationship with us. Nor are they children upon whom we can make demands. Nor are they even friends we can be “up front” with. They are emissaries from Hashem. Honoring them is considered as if we honored Hashem Himself. We may not always like the way Hashem treats us — perhaps He doesn’t give us as much money or good health as we want or perhaps He doesn’t give us many important things that our hearts desire. We can certainly beg Him to change His mind and fulfill our desires. What we can’t do however is tell Him that He “owes” us something.

Showing Gratitude

“Okay. So my mother doesn’t owe me anything. But if she can’t bring herself to invite us over for Shabbos lunch once in awhile if she can’t sit down and play with her own grandchildren then I don’t have to like her do I?”

Although there is no mitzvah to “like” one’s parents there is a mitzvah to show them gratitude. In fact Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igros Moshe 2:130) explains that while non-Jews aren’t obligated in the details of the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents they are obligated in the fundamental precept of hakaras hatov. Therefore non-Jews must also honor their parents demonstrating gratitude because their parents sacrificed much and worked so hard to raise them. Joyous gratitude rather than bitter resentment is the proper attitude for all people Jews and non-Jews to cultivate.

When someone gives us a gift — and particularly the gift of life and the gift of raising us to independent adulthood — they don’t owe us anything more. We owe them sincere gratitude. Nor should we harbor resentment in our hearts because someone else’s parent is more generous present or supportive. This jealousy is a transgression that demonstrates a basic lack of faith in Hashem.

Hashem gives all of us what He deems best for us. If He thought that we needed more from our parents He would surely provide it through them. Consequently if we do find ourselves feeling that our parents are not giving us enough we need to remedy the situation by fixing ourselves not our parents.

Once we find a path to genuine gratitude and full acceptance our happiness will arrive — a much more powerful life-enhancing happiness and tranquility than any extra help from a parent could ever provide.