“Many types of mechanchim can be successful teachers and reach your child”

The Question

Many teachers these days are new age mechanchim, and they do an amazing job reaching today’s children at their level in a more “chill” way. I understand that it’s the new normal, and I see the upside — my kids love school. This year, however, my son has a rebbi who is the opposite: serious, with no shtick whatsoever. My son can’t handle it. He’s miserable. Is there anything I can do to salvage the year? And what should I do for my next sons, who will likely eventually have this rebbi or one like him?

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Many types of mechanchim can be successful teachers and reach your child. Don’t allow your bias to influence your child; rather encourage and foster a warm relationship to set your child up for success.

I

want to begin by setting the record straight. I do not buy in to the notion that our wonderful mechanchim reach today’s children in a more “chill” way. That sounds like saying, “My child loves school because his teacher does nothing but give extra recess and raffle off prizes all day.”

The “new age” rebbeim (or menahelim, some may even suggest) who are incredible mechanchim don’t reach their talmidim because they’re “chill or cool.” They reach them because they understand them and care about them. Among my incredible staff of rebbeim, some are younger and more up-to-date. (They may even make jokes using certain numerical values anywhere between “six and seven” or end off a personal story with a T4.) Others are from a different dor, or from a different mindset. Some have tons of shtick. Others not as much. But the commonality that binds them is their burning and genuine care for not only the subjects they teach, but for the objects as well.

Now to the matter at hand. Your son is struggling with a rebbi he doesn’t easily connect with. His style of classroom management and teaching does not resonate well with your child. Here are two things I would suggest you not do, and one thing I implore you to do.

The do-nots: Do not allow your critical view to become the narrative at home. The more that you as a parent criticize a rebbi or a teacher, the further away from success your child will wander. And the other: Do not call up the teacher with your ideas of how to make the classroom more exciting. From a practical perspective, and from my experience, it will not be well received.

Here is the number one thing you can do for your son. Call the rebbi. Be honest (somewhat). “My son Shmuel… I know you call him Shmuel Meir, and yes, that’s his full name. But everyone in his family, every one of his friends, and every. Other. Human. Being. Alive. Calls him Shmuel…” [He is so old school! Aargh!]

“Do you have any time during the week to spend some time learning with him, or even just schmoozing with him? I would pay you, of course. But can we set up a routine where our Shmuel (Meir) feels special because he gets to learn with Rebbi?”

It could be during school or after school. It could be done on the phone or in person. He may not be the perfect rebbi for your son. But to a child, a rebbi is a rebbi. And the more you can invest and nurture that personal relationship between your son and his rebbi, the better the results will be.

The same applies for your future children as well. Maybe with them you can do that from the beginning of the year. I just hope, for your sake, that your next child only has one Hebrew name.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Rosh Mosad of Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

Not every year will be a perfect fit. Validate your child’s struggles and focus on the positive.

W

hile there are certainly rebbeim who perhaps should not be in the classrooms they occupy, I will assume that this is not that case. If it were, the conversation would be very different and would primarily involve the menahel and his achrayus both to the rebbi and to the talmidim.

For the sake of this discussion, I will assume that this rebbi is worthy of his position and is successfully reaching and teaching a significant portion of his class.

No rebbi is perfectly suited for every talmid. That means that each year, regardless of the rebbi’s style or strengths, there will likely be some group of talmidim whom he does not naturally reach as well. Ideally, this only happens once or twice in a talmid’s school career.

In larger schools with multiple classes per grade, significant effort is invested in trying to match talmidim with the rebbeim best suited to their personalities and learning styles. Yet even with careful planning, mismatches and difficult years inevitably occur. This is part of the inherent challenge of schooling: bringing together children of diverse temperaments and backgrounds into a shared educational environment.

With all of this said, your question remains as real as ever. How can you help your son navigate a year with a rebbi whose style is not in sync with his personality?

Am I allowed to say in a chinuch column that I am not sure? That is the honest truth. This is a hard situation, and there is no simple or formulaic solution.

If I were in that position, I believe I would begin by validating the challenge for my son. I would try not to downplay or dismiss his very real difficulty. When a child feels misunderstood at home on top of struggling in school, the burden only doubles.

I am fairly certain he will not respond well to being told that “a true chacham learns from every person,” especially from someone whose old-school attitude feels foreign or intimidating to him. While that message may be true, it may not be helpful in the moment.

It also never hurts to overwhelm the rebbi with appreciation and genuine expressions of gratitude. Creating a respectful and positive tone between parent and rebbi often trickles down to the child. While that may not transform the rebbi into a more dynamic presenter, it can foster a more positive atmosphere between them.

And thankfully, this exchange is taking place later in the year. The large majority of the school year has already passed. He is almost there.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1103)