I would tell your child, “There are areas where we disagree, but your rebbi has a lot to offer, and you should hear his perspective”

The Question

Q: How should I handle my son repeating things from his rebbeim that go against the hashkafos of my rebbeim?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

Parents have a lot more influence than they realize. Even though a child spends a lot of time in school, in yeshivah, and in beis medrash, the values he gets
from home often trump all of those messages in
the long term.

Initially, a child may respond to a charismatic rebbi or an inspiring rav. But after the dust settles, if his parents have strong values that they convey in a healthy and appropriate way, and they model those values in real life, those will more often than not be the guiding values that the child ends up living with.

So the situation you describe, of a child learning from a rebbi whose hashkafos are not exactly aligned with yours, is not a reason to panic. In fact, it’s an opportunity to educate your child about your values and how they differ. But it’s also a chance to teach your child how to deal respectfully with someone who holds different values, and not to use black-and-white thinking to negate everything the rebbi stands for because of differences on some hashkafos.

Practically, I would tell your child, “There are areas where we disagree, but your rebbi has a lot to offer, and you should hear his perspective. And we can discuss it together, maybe at the Shabbos table or wherever else you want.”

Above all, maintain the great respect and dignity in the relationship between your child and that rebbi. Even if it seems that in the short run your child is being influenced in a way you’re not thrilled with, if you stay the course and communicate the real, substantive values that you live your life by, those lessons will ultimately stay with your child.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Our children’s rebbeim play an integral part in their growth as bnei Torah. Especially in mesivta, a strong kesher with a rebbi can make a long-lasting impact.

IN fact, most of us as adults can recall a rebbi or two who helped shape our future. If your tenth-grade son has found such a rebbi, ashreichem. Cherish it. Do everything you can to foster that relationship. The more you, as a parent, show kavod and respect for that rebbi, the more your son will be interested in learning from him.

Now to the hard part. There have been some very big hashkafic divides within the olam haTorah (Zoom during Covid or not; drinking on Purim or not; concerts during bein hazmanim or not; open the Mishpacha before Shabbos or not until Abba leaves for shul Friday night). And there is a real chance your wonderful teenage son will share his rebbi’s viewpoint on a certain topic that will create a stir at your Friday night seudah.

On the one hand, if your mesorah from your rebbeim goes a certain way, you have every right as a parent to want your child to follow that derech. And when your son quotes a different view from his rebbi , you will feel obligated to respond and correct.

However, keep in mind the following. Young children, all the way through teenage years, are very black-and-white thinkers. They view people and things as either good or bad, with very little in between. There is a reason kids dress up on Purim only as superheroes, policemen, pirates, and “cool dudes.” You will never find a kid dressing up as a computer programmer or accountant (even though those are preferable career choices). An idea is either really smart or the “dumbest thing ever.” It is passion and idealism that spurs them on.

Therefore, if you are to ever criticize his rebbi, the person, you will create confusion within your child. To him, his rebbi is a superhero. And he should remain that way.

This doesn’t mean you should never voice your opinion. You can share that your rebbeim held differently. But make sure to treat the discussion with tremendous kavod. Be extra careful not to belittle his rebbi, chas v’shalom, or his hashkafos, even if you may vigorously disagree. It’s not worth the risk of creating a chasm in their relationship.

And let me end with this. You are the parent. You always will be. Keep in mind that life is a marathon, not a sprint. What your son thinks is the “only pshat” in tenth grade may eventually give way to a more nuanced approach as he matures. Trust the process, enjoy the nachas, and be thankful your son has rebbeim to look up to.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1057)